What it means

Someone asked me recently what submission means to me and I have my usual answer of ”it’s just the way I am, it’s my natural state”. I sometimes go into more detail about how I struggled with it for a long time and just wanted to be a “normal” girl and all of that stuff I’ve talked about on here before but it’s been a while since I’ve actually thought about this, what it means to me to be a submissive.

Even after putting some more thought into it my stock answer still holds up for the most part. Like being gay, straight, trans, non-binary, etc, etc, etc being submissive isn’t a choice, or I don’t believe it is anyway. I believe it is something that is hard wired into you and it was certainly that way for me, trust me when I say I made great efforts to escape it and, happily, failed.

What I haven’t often talked about and I don’t recall ever writing about on my blog is how the act of submitting feels in the moment. It’s a feeling that I genuinely live for and the reason that all those escape attempts failed, like a heroin addict coming back for that amazing high I am a submission addict.

If you think about it, and I mean really think about it, do you ever let your body entirely relax except for when you are unconscious? I don’t know a great deal about the biology of the human body beyond owning one (I also own a car and know nothing about those!) but I don’t think there is any time in my vanilla life where I am not in some way tensing parts of my body in order to sit a certain way, stand a certain way, walk a certain way. Even when relaxing on a sofa there is still tension in your body, I think that is how all bodies work?

There are occasions in my vanilla life where I have consciously made an effort to let all tension out of my body while lying down and just let it be and it feels really good to do that, but nothing compared with how I feel when I physically submit to another person

In that moment when I have ceded control to the other I feel a sense of peace and relaxation that I’ve never felt in any other situation. Actually now I think about it there is a small element of the same thing when I’m getting my hair cut, getting a piercing or tattoo or going for a doctors appointment where they need to touch you. I guess it’s related to giving control of yourself to them even if, like with the examples above, in a non-sexual way.

When it is in a more intimate setting though the sensations are multiplied dramatically. Standing before Fiona having no idea what she is going to do with me but also knowing she can do whatever she wants with me is such a hard to describe but heady feeling, it puts me in a sort of trance state where all of my senses are heightened and enhanced and all tension bleeds from my body.

The difference between a session when I feel this and one where I don’t is black and white, night and day. This is by no means a feeling I’ve had during every D/s encounter in my life and there have been plenty of sessions with Dominants in the past that I have thoroughly enjoyed without feeling it, but none of them beat the times that I did.

It is a feeling of intense care free well being and contentment and when I feel it I never want to stop feeling it, which of course I always did after the session but with Mistress it is different. The feeling is always there with her, not like it is in an intimate moment but every time I am with her, get a call or message from her or even just think about her I immediately feel it and that is the best thing in the world to me and why I know she is the one for me. My mind are hers at a subconscious level so it only makes sense for me to give my body to her at a conscious one.

What does submission mean to me? Everything

This is kind of rambling post where I’ve just vomited out the thoughts I’ve been having on the subject so apologies for that but I thought maybe you’d find it interesting. I’d very much enjoy any comments from other submissives if they feel something similar and from Dominants or Switches on whether they have an equivalent. I think it would be an interesting conversation.

Speaking of conversation my other site The Fet Library now has a free Discord server where people chat about stories and kink and Halo (😊)! If you’d like to join in just click this link, I’m trying to build a little community of like minded people there x

Manchester

On occasion Mistress Fiona and I will have a long weekend away somewhere in the UK just for a little break. Obviously that hasn’t been possible so much int he last couple of years but as things are starting to return back to normal we booked an impromptu weekend in sunny Manchester (spoiler: it wasn’t sunny!).

On Friday morning we packed our bags and then as we were about to leave Mistress produced a beautiful polished titanium eternity collar. She had me kneel at her feet as she closed the continuous metal ring around my neck and locked it, making a point of leaving the “key” on the side at home before leading me out of the house.

Titanium Eternity Collar

Even though I wear a collar of some sort all of the time (it can range from a strict leather posture collar to a simple necklace) it was a little daunting realising that I would be wearing this solid metal one all weekend. To some people I guess it could look like a very heavy necklace but really it is quite clearly a collar.

The journey to Manchester, via London, was fairly uneventful. In fact as far as this blog is concerned it was entirely dull! We arrived in Manchester and headed to our hotel which was really lovely (see the cover image).

After unpacking our clothes and making ourselves at home we headed into the city centre to do a bit of shopping (Mistress bought a lovely hat and dress from Ted Baker!) and went for a delicious meal at a Lebanese restaurant. I think that might be the first time I’ve had Lebanese food but it definitely won’t be the last!

After the meal we walked back to the hotel. As soon as we were in the room Fiona undressed me, leaving my coat, dress and underwear in a pool around my feet, and then led me over to the bed. Mistress often likes to have me naked whilst she is fully or mostly dressed and I love it too, it very much puts me in the right headspace as a submissive, I guess psychologically it’s a power exchange things but I don’t feel the need to analyse it too much, we both just enjoy it.

Anyway she then pulled out a black dildo gag which looked kind of like a short double ended dildo with a ball gag type strap towards one end. She moved the gag to my mouth and I obediently opened and took the three inches of so of silicone cock into my mouth and then she pulled the strap around my head and buckled it. It was surprisingly comfortable to wear because the parts that pulled into the sides of my mouth were also soft silicone so even when tightly strapped it didn’t hurt

I watched Mistress pull down and step out of her underwear and then she pulled me to my feet by my new face cock and pushed me backwards onto the bed by it, following me onto it and straddling me as she moved up my body. She gripped my wrists and moved then above my head in one movement and then pinned them there with her knees as she straddled my head.

It’s kind of hard to explain this retrospectively but Mistress is very commanding and I organically know where she wants me to be and it is not in any way awkward even when she is putting me into a specific position, I just kind of end up where she wants me.

My world was suddenly shrunk to only include my owners pussy as she slid onto the dildo protruding from my face and her skirt covered my head casting me into complete darkness.

I really have no idea how long passed but it felt like a long time, well over half an hour if I had to guess. During that time she fucked the dildo and ground her pussy into my face whilst (as I found out later) she watched videos of some of our S&M sessions. On more than one occasion her pussy was pushed into my nose but she knew what she was doing and I always got to breathe in the scent of her arousal again, eventually.

When she finally let me free we fucked vigorously and I fell asleep in her arms with her dried juices coating my face.

After a lie-in in a wonderfully comfortable bed we got up and went down for breakfast before returning to the room for a shower. Once Mistress had finished I went for my own shower ensuring I was properly clean inside and out as always.

When I emerged from the (admittedly quite long shower) I found Mistress fully dressed and ready to leave. I panicked a little thinking I was about to get in trouble for keeping her waiting but she smiled a smile that I know all too well and my heart sank and did somersaults all at the same time, a feeling only my wife can create in me!

I was led to a the end of the bed which was sort of a thoroughfare between the bed and the TV/desk area. I was placed on my knees and then bent forward with my arms above my head so that my bum was raised up a little. It is known as the “humble” position as in the picture although my ass was lower down and my knees further forward and spread wider which had the effect of parting my lips and cheeks exposing my holes. I was then blindfolded and told not to move before I heard the door open and then close again.

This is a position I find extremely humiliating and am also quite familiar with, Mistress regularly has me assume it often for long periods of time. The longest I have held it for was five hours during which a party started and ended and I served as a mere ornament. I wore ear plus the whole time and was trapped in my own head wondering who was observing me, photographing me, visually violating the most intimate parts of my body and only towards the end did this give way to the struggle simple to be Mistress’ ornament. It was an experience that stayed with me and while I still find the position very humiliating, especially when I know people other than Mistress can see me, but when it is just us, I can now find a fairly profound (if horny) and dare I say humble peace holding it for her.

What I didn’t know at the time but do know now is that when Fiona left the room she hung the “Make Up Room” sign on the door handle! Attached to the sign was a post it note which said (and I quote!):

To housekeeping, my wife is in this room in a state of undress that you may find offensive. If you think you will do so then please come back after midday when neither of us will be in the room. However if you choose to enter and make up the room whilst ignoring her you will find a generous gratuity on the desk for the inconvenience and discretion. Kind regards, Mistress Fiona.

The ultimate test of my submission to Mistress is always the times when in a moment my body and often mind is screaming at me to move or stop but through a combination of my willpower and need to please her I don’t. This could be holding a position while she brings the cane down one more time on my welted ass, pushing a needle through my own tongue or staying perfectly still when the hotel room door opens to a view of my stretched open holes.

At first I thought, wished, hoped it was Fiona who had returned to the room but as I held my breath and my heart thumped in my chest I heard a little giggle that was absolutely not Mistress! The urge to cover yourself is instinctive and I’ve had to learn to supress it which is what I did at this point. My cheeks (on my face) burnt red as the humiliation washed over me but at the same time my nipples were hardening and my extremely exposed pussy was warming and dampening.

As I listened to her cleaning up the bathroom I wondered if she had left the door open as maids often do, I couldn’t remember if I’d heard it close behind her and I knew if it was open any passer by could look in and see.

The deep burning humiliation intensified as she finished in the bathroom and proceeded to remake the bed. Moving around it purposefully but stepping past me more times than I would have thought necessary and close enough that I could feel the hem of her skin brushing against my naked skin. Each time it happened the sensation was heightened by my situation and it felt intense.

After what felt like an eternity but was likely no more than ten minutes the activity stopped, I heard some scratching and then I jumped a little as I felt her touch me on my lower back just above my ass crack. Then the door opened and closed (at this point I realised that at least I hadn’t been exposed to the corridor the whole time) and I was alone again with my thoughts and my very wet pussy!

While I was waiting I realised that she had left something on me but as I wasn’t allowed to move I had no way of knowing what it was. When Mistress returned she took a photo and showed me the post it note saying “Thank you for the tip” that had been stuck just above my ass with a chocolate placed on top of it.

Fiona said I still looked very flushed when she let me up from the floor and was very pleased with how her plan had worked out as well as how wet I was when she put her hand between my legs. I was very much hoping she would reward me but instead we left the hotel ten minutes later and the nice warm damp feeling was turned into it’s own torture by the cool autumn air.

We spent the afternoon shopping, at first we visited some very nice high end lingerie stores where Mistress chose a gorgeous and very expensive black teddy with cut outs in the side which she very graciously allowed me to buy for her. Then we went to a somewhat less high end lingerie store that could probably more accurately be described as a sex shop and picked out some underwear for me. A black lacy quarter cup bra (a bra that holds your boobs without really covering them) and a barely there g-string both made out of the cheapest material you can think of which Mistress also generously allowed me to pay for!

Mistress looked amazing in her new lingerie when we were getting ready for the evening, my underwear, if you could call it that, was…..unfortunate to say the least! The gave me a bit of cleavage but not much else and was generally uncomfortable, the g-string (basically a tiny strip of material that ran around my waist, down between my ass cheeks and between my lips ending in about an inch triangle of material) was very uncomfortable. It was so tight that it looked like it disappeared into my pussy and then magically reappeared at the top of my ass cheeks!

The meal out was lovely but uneventful aside from me feeling very self conscious of my pieced nipples being very visible through the top of my dress. However when we got back to the hotel and entered the lift (aka elevator) Fiona pulled a dog lead (aka dog leash) from her bag and attached it to my collar as I looked at her and my cheeks pinked slightly.

The doors opened and I followed her out but she stopped and without turning to look at me said ”that’s not how dogs walk”. I obviously knew what she meant and was also conscious of where we were and how public a setting it was as well, but what could I do? I knelt and then moved to an all fours position and as soon as I did Mistress continued walking at a pace that allowed me to crawl behind her and keep some slack in the lead, only bad dogs pull on the lead!

As I crawled along the corridor with my ass in the air and my dress riding up to expose the black floss running between my cheeks and lips our room seemed much further from the lifts that it had any of the previous times we had walked to it. It’s hard to describe the feeling of doing something so very publicly humiliating knowing anyone could walk out of one of the many rooms and exit the lifts and see you like that. There is a very heady mix of excitement and fear, a lot of fear, but also for someone in my position an inevitability because while, technically, I can say no in reality that was really never an option.

Looking up at Mistress from a position of submissiveness always gives me a particular feeling that I love, it’s a feeling of contentedness and belonging I guess and crawling along an expensive hotel corridor was no different despite the other feelings I describe above. I love her so much for so many reasons but a big one is that she knows how to make me feel….me! I guess it’s weird to imagine me feeling an overwhelming love for her whilst she is putting me in such a predicament but there you go.

We eventually reached the door but rather than going straight in she had me kneel in front of it whilst she lifted my dress over my head and placed the handle of the lead in my mouth, which I gripped obediently with my teeth. I watched her evil grin as the door closed behind her and couldn’t help but let a small smile spread across my lips before I was left basically naked kneeling in a hotel corridor.

My heart went into overdrive a minute later when a door between me and lifts opened and voices emerged. I kept my eyes trained on the light emanating from the bottom of our door whilst the voices rescinded towards the lift and just hoped they didn’t look back down the corridor, whether they did or not I’ll never know.

When the door opened again several minutes later Mistress was wearing just her new lingerie and after gently taking the lead’s handle from my mouth led me into the room. I’m going to keep what happened after that private but suffice to say that scissoring from a long time whilst only one of you is allowed to cum (and it’s not you) is physically and mentally exhausting. I fell asleep wet, horny and physically unsatisfied but very happy to have satiated my owner.

The next day after breakfast we had to pack and vacate the room but just before we did Mistress had me lean on a chair whilst she slid my knickers off and pushed a heavy metal plug into my ass. I didn’t know which plug it was at the time (we have many!) but this particular one says “OWNED BY MISTRESS FIONA” in pink letters on a black background on it’s head, I guess so that anyone who sees it knows who my asshole belongs to!

The Manchester Bee

We had a great time in Manchester, it is a lovely city that we found we really liked, load of nice bars and restaurants and our hotel was perfect. We did some fun play some of which we wouldn’t feel as comfortable doing closer to home and generally had a good time.

The only thing that took the shine off a little was at Piccadilly train station, Mistress saw a guy staring at me (which, btw guys, is sexual harassment in itself) and decided to possessively kiss me to let him know who I belonged to (clearly he hadn’t seen my plug!), his response to this was to shout “Fucking dykes” at us, which was as unpleasant as it sounds.

Time to come back?

The last time I wrote a proper post I was about to get married and now we’ve just celebrated our two year anniversary!

And what a strange time it’s been! Fingers crossed we’re nearly done with it though, I’ve had one jab and it won’t be too long before I have my second one.

I’ve been thinking for a while that I’d quite like to get back to writing again, I’ve got no idea if anyone really looks here anymore or if it would be “successful” but I always found writing this blog fairly cathartic and very much enjoyed the back and forth in the comments and I miss that.

I was talking to a friend the other day (Slave Mila) and she encouraged me to get back into it and I told her about a little funny story that we thought might make a good post.

A few weeks ago I was reading a book when Mistress came into the room and told me to get up and follow her. I did and she lead me to the cupboard under the stairs and told me to get into the cupboard and stay there until morning!

I was kind of shocked, I wasn’t aware of having done anything to deserve a punishment but decided that rather than questioning it (and potentially getting myself in more trouble) I’d just go with it.

This cupboard is basically a dumping ground of stuff and all the floor space in it taken up with…well, stuff. I managed to get in and she immediately closed the door putting me into pitch darkness.

I just stood there for a few minutes kind of bewildered and then I tried to move some things around so I could at least sit down (I sat on a cardboard box which I later found out held a spare water thing for the coffee machine, and high I broke).

Time rolled on and I started to realise this Miss wasn’t coming back for me and I made some more space resigning myself to sleeping in the hot and cramped space.

I slept curled around the recycling bin with my head a bunch of carrier bags for a pillow (not my best idea, noisiest pillow ever!) and eventually in the morning the door opened and I found a cup of coffee writhing for me as I crawled out on all fours squinting at the bright light. I’d been in the cupboard for nearly twelve hours.

Mistress watched me crawl out from the breakfast bar with a wicked smile on her face and I joined her there. She enquired “sleep well?” and I replied “yes fine thanks, you?” (I don’t always like to give her the satisfaction!) and she just smiled.

Once I’d finished my coffee I ask “Are you going to tell me why you put me in the cupboard?”. Her reply was “No real reason, I was bored. I thought you’d come out to ask why and then I’d let you off but you didn’t so I just let you stay there.”

I realised that I hadn’t really thought about or worried about what I’d done to end up in the predicament, I’d just got on with it. I was kind of pleased with myself for that, also furious with Mistress!

This is a perfect example of how she loves to mess with me, she is the queen of the mind fuck and while I don’t always enjoy it at the time, it certainly keeps things interesting between us!

I hope you enjoyed this little insight into our married lives together tame though this tale may be. I’d love to hear from people in the comments and I’ll try and write some more soon x

Achievements

So it is 2pm on Thursday 10th May 2018 and I have been a very busy girl today and wanted to share everything I have achieved so far today!

I got up at 6am when my fitness band vibrated on my wrist, no snoozing, no second alarm just straight out of bed. I bought a fitness band not to track my steps and things but simply so that I could have a silent alarm that would make me but not Mistress as I have things to do before she wakes up.

I used the toilet and then got in the shower and cleaned myself thoroughly which includes ensuring that no body hair exists anywhere and that both of my holes are washed out with water .Occasionally Mistress will push a finger deep into me and if it comes out dirty then cleaning her finger with my mouth is the least of my worries! That hasn’t happened for a long time though.

After my shower but before dressing I went to the kitchen and prepared some food. Mistresses office location means she has few options for lunch so likes to take something with her, this morning I made a couscous and pomegranate salad whilst some croissant baked in the oven and then I took a croissant and coffee up to her.

Mistress enjoys watching me get ready for work whilst she eats her breakfast. At first it made me feel very self-conscious as she watched me dry my hair and apply my makeup and then get dressed, bending over and hiding nothing. Now though it is almost like a show, I make sure I bend over at just the right angles so that my fiancé can enjoy the best views of every part of my body.

Anyway, once I was dressed she called me over to the bed and opened her legs. There were no orders given, and despite the fact that I had just done my makeup etc, my lips were on hers almost immediately and I was savouring the taste of her as my tongue circled her clit.

She came with her hand on the back of my head so that she could grind her pussy into my face and casually lifted her leg over me and headed for the shower leaving me knelt on the bed.

I brushed my messed up hair again whilst her juices dried around my mouth because I’m not permitted to wipe it off, ever, then I applied my makeup again and changed my underwear which was already soaked through. That seems like a simple thing when you’re wearing a skirt but it really isn’t because I have to wear a matching lingerie set at all times so changing my knickers means also changing my bra and garter belt. I almost didn’t bother but I do like to start the day with at least mostly dry knickers!

When Miss came out of the shower I could see I was in trouble for something, she had that look on her face and it didn’t take me long to remember that I hadn’t picked my wet towel up off the floor in the bathroom. She sat on the edge of the bed and I walked over to her, knelt and then belt over her knee in as graceful a way as possible. She said “Do you know why?” and I responded “Yes Mistress, the towel, I’m sorry” and she replied with “Ten then”.

She lifted my skirt to reveal my ass cheeks (almost all of my underwear is thongs so that my ass cheeks are almost always bare) and I counted out each severe slap of her hand. Punishment spankings are very different from play spankings, there is no warm up, no gentle swats to get me ready or roaming fingers to explore how I’m reacting to the attention, it’s ten hard and fast and then a quick hug before she let me get up so she could get ready.

After doing my hair for the third time I left the house at 7:30 and sat uncomfortably in the car on my freshly reddened ass until I arrived at work.

At 12pm, having done just over four hours of work I left the office for my lunch hour, I rarely take the full hour but I needed to today. I got into a waiting taxi that I had already ordered as per the text I had received at 11am from Mistress, I reviewed some paperwork on the ten minute taxi ride. At my destination I asked the taxi to wait for me and then went down behind some buildings and knocked on the back door of a familiar one.

I was let in by the usual person and led in silence to a small messy office in the corner of the store-room where I pulled my skirt up around my waist and knelt on the floor. The guy has quite good stamina and despite my now well practised skills in fellatio it usually takes about eight minutes before I’m swallowing his cum, this time with his hand buried in my hair.

This “service” that Mistress has me provide has turned sucking cock and swallowing cum into a sort of non-thing for me. The act itself does turn me on but only really because of how humiliating it is to be used in that way by strangers, actually sucking the cock and swallowing is almost like muscle memory now, I can think about other things while I do it and my mouth just does what it is supposed to.

After sorting my hair again and reapplying lipstick I got back into the waiting taxi and had it drop me in town. I got a sandwich and a coke to join my “snack” and took it back to the office to eat with some of my colleagues.

I wonder what the rest of the day has in store for me!

Evil genius

Some people have commented both here and on my Tumblr that Mistress Fiona is an evil genius after I wrote about her recent penchant for ruining my orgasms, I’d like to put the record straight on this point here and now: you are absolutely correct but you don’t even know the half of it!

I’ve talked here about a few of the more significant things that Mistress has me do, the blow job service for example, but not much about the little things she comes up with that reinforce her position over me but also keep my mind focused on what she wants it focused on.

Here is an example; one day whilst I was in New York we spoke shortly after I got up and before I headed to the office. You’ll remember that I had to wear a vibrating egg and vibrating anal plug whenever I was in the apartment there and she could control them from her phone. Throughout the conversation she had the anal plug on and kept changing the intensity at which it vibrated inside me, she never once mentioned this, it was just something that went on throughout the call and I accepted without question.

When it was time for the call to end so that I could go to work she gave me a simple order, to remove the plug and then spread a generous amount of vaseline between my ass cheeks covering every part that would normally touch. I thought it a strange request at the time but I knew what she was trying to achieve the moment I started walking down the street.

I don’t know how to describe this effectively but I’ll try my best. Your body has a natural way of “being”, your flesh, muscle and fat sit in a certain way and your body is used to it and doesn’t register in your brain when, for instance, your ass cheeks sit against each other and don’t separate or move against each other when you walk. What does register though is if there is some slippery substance that causes your ass cheeks to slide over each other with every movement.

The effect Mistress was hoping for, and the effect she was successful in creating was that I couldn’t move all day without thinking about my ass. For those of you who’ve been fucked in your ass it was like I’d had anal sex and the cum was leaking from my ass, except it felt like it was leaking out all day.

I don’t even really know why but this made me incredibly horny and by the time I got back to the apartment that evening my pussy was easily as lubricated as my ass was. Such a simple thing that made a significant difference to my mindset throughout the day.

In a similar vein of keeping a certain part of my body at the forefront of my thoughts is another trick that she has used several times. Using a pencil she will push a balloon into my pussy and then use a hand pump to inflate it. She doesn’t make it large, painful or even uncomfortable but just large enough for me feel full, then she will tie a piece of string to it and push the remaining part inside me.

Once it is inside only the string protrudes and is hardly noticeable, it’s hard to describe the feeling but any girls reading will understand when I say it feels “full”. It makes me even wetter than usual and the change between sitting and standing creates a noticable shift inside and you can’t help but think about your pussy.

The balloon isn’t inflated enough for there to be any chance of it popping so it’s perfectly safe in terms of it causing injury or being detected by people around you and a few times she has had great fun extracting it later without deflating it first.

Finally one of her favourite things, the kobayashi maru clamp, or that’s what I call it anyway. If you don’t get the reference then, well it’s probably a good thing and I’m not going to explain it for fear of further exposing my geekiness!

The clamp in question is of the type that I would call “binder clips”, the picture on the right shows what I mean. When used on flesh these clips are particularly nasty clamps and once attached it is possible to squeeze the metal handles together and remove them which makes it virtually impossible to open the clip.

Mistress is fond of applying these to various parts of my anatomy and then allowing me to remove them whenever I please. The only effective way to do so though is to pull them off and that is incredibly painful, the level of pain is dependant on where the clamp has been placed, obviously, but also on how long it has been on. Therein lies the particularly devious part, you are extremely reluctant to pull the clip off because you know how much it will hurt but at the same time you are thinking that every minute it stays on it will be worse when it comes off, a no-win situation.

A particularly cruel example of this was when Mistress blindfolded me naked and then attached one of these clamps to each pussy lip, one to each nipple and one to my tongue. She then tied string around them and tied the nipple and pussy ones to the bed head that I was stood next to and the tongue one to a ring in the ceiling. Finally she cuffed my wrists behind my back.

After a lengthy cropping of my thighs, ass and breasts which I was completely helpless to defend myself from, she left the room stating that she would be waiting for me downstairs. Having had my, now numb, tongue pulled up and out of my mouth for some time I had drool all over me and was desperate to get down from my predicament.

Even if Mistress hadn’t removed the handles from the clips it would have been impossible for me to remove them normally so I had no choice but to pull each of the clamps off by moving away from where they were tied.

Thinking it would be easiest I crouched until the string from my tongue was taut and then jerked back, the pain was intense and it felt like my tongue immediately swelled up. Next I did the same sort of motion with my nipples, thinking it would be better to just get it over with I moved until they both felt taut and then yanked. Only one came off which was excruciating in itself but the other one merely dragged across the sensitive skin of my nipple and then pinched unbearable right on the tip of it.

With my knees feeling weak from the strain of the extended bondage, the pain of the whipping and now the systematic abuse of my most sensitive parts I quickly yanked it off the tip of my nipple causing the post pain yet to shoot through my left breast.

Later I found out that Mistress had watch the whole thing with great amusement and arousal as I struggled to free myself from the torturous bondage she had put me in.

The final two were the worst, there was little choice other than to pull them both off at once and this time I was successful in doing so but the pain was out of this world! The clamping pain is one thing, it is very painful but over the years I’ve got used to how it feels, it’s the scraping, scratching sensation that makes it so much worse.

By the time I got downstairs and removed the blindfold my nipples, pussy lips and tongue were all swollen and all had small scratches and cuts on them that stung painfully. Mistress cleaned each one gently and then knelt me in front of her so that I could use my newly enlarged tongue to thank her properly.

P.s. ten points if you can guess the reference of the header image!

Hindsight

When I was in my second year at University (College to any US readers) I was a very different person. For a start I was straight (or thought I was) and was really quite vanilla. It wasn’t long since I’d had my nipples pierced for the first time which was the event that awakened my masochism, you can read about that elsewhere on this blog.

I was much like any other girl at university really, studying, having fun and making friends whilst living in halls. Then in my second year I lived in a flat with two other girls who I’d met in the first year and this is the time I wanted to talk about in this post. The reason is, whilst I didn’t think much of it at the time or for years afterwards, I have recently come to realise that it was my first experience of dominance.

It wasn’t like this before we moved in together but a dynamic gradually built in the days and weeks after the first term started. One of the other girls I was living with, I’ll call her Christine, started to ask me to do things. It was small things like to make a coffee in the morning when she got up or to get her something from the shops while I was out but she never asked the other girl we lived with or our other friends, it was always me.

I kind of liked it, it made me feel like I was her “best” friend and the one she relied on for things. Being young, that was important to me especially as Christine was the prettiest and most popular of our group. As time went on some of these things became routine, for example I was always up before her and made her a coffee and brought it into her room without being asked, at first she thanked me but then she stopped and we both just accepted the routine.

After a few weeks, rather than asking me to get things while I was out she started leaving me little shopping lists, she would go into my room when I was out or even when I was in the shower and leave them on my bed. Despite the agreed rule that we didn’t go into each others rooms without permission this didn’t really apply to her and my room, or to me and her room because I often went in to her room to drop off the things I’d bought for her.

One time I was heading to the laundry room to do my washing and she saw me, she said something along the lines of “Oh would you be a darling and throw some of my things in with yours?”, I said I would and she said to grab them off the floor in her room then she left. I went back to her room and found her laundry basket almost empty and dirty clothes all over the place on the floor. I remember feeling like I should be annoyed but really not being and instead just going round picking up her dirty clothes and underwear (she was a bit of a messy person!) and then taking them to wash with mine. I washed, dried and folded them all before leaving them on the end of her bed. Again, after a few times of asking me to do her washing it became routine, she stopped asking and I just collected her stuff when I did my own.

I honestly didn’t think much about this, we were really good friends and spent most of our free time together and I didn’t mind doing a few chores for her, that’s what friends are for isn’t it? It wasn’t until nearly Christmas that the other girl who lived with us mentioned it when we were alone, she asked if it bothered me that Christine had me doing all of her chores but never did anything for me. I found myself playing how much I did for her down, “It’s only a few things for a friend, I don’t mind helping her, she’s not good with the domestic stuff is she?”. In hindsight I knew she was right but put it out of my mind, I think subconsciously I didn’t want to answer the question of WHY I didn’t mind it.

Remember I was entirely straight at this point in my life, I’d never had any experiences with other girls and didn’t know much about BDSM, I was at the very beginning of finding out about it all. I was also desperate to be “normal”, I’d discovered that I liked pain and that it turned me on but I didn’t want to be that way. Being “normal” was very important to me at this time in my life.

This all continued after Christmas, we hung out a lot and it was completely normal except that I did everything for us. Made the drinks, fetched duvets for us to lay under while watching movies, whatever needed doing I did it but it was purely platonic.

Then Christine started to get a little, well, slutty! She discovered that she liked all the attention she got from guys and started to have some fun with it and when I say “some” I mean “a lot”! There was a student night at a local club and we went every week and most weeks she picked up a guy to bring back to the flat.

The thing is, she didn’t just pick up guys for her. The first time it happened the guy she was chatting up had a friend, he didn’t want to leave his friend and Christine basically guilt tripped me into chatting to his friend so that we could all go home and she could fuck the guy, I ended up drunkenly giving his friend a blow job.

Over the next few months this also became routine, her choosing a guy on a night out and then choosing one for me too. This is the part that I really should have thought was strange at the time, no one else picked up on it because no one else knew except me and her that she was basically choosing men for me and I was going along with it whether I was attracted to the guy or not.

This only went on for a few months and then she seemed to realise that she was sleeping with too many guys and calmed down a bit, which meant my sex life also went back to normal!

One time whilst I was retrieving her dirty laundry from her bedroom floor I found a vibrator under her bed. Of course I had my own vibrator but mine was a tiny bullet one, hers was a rabbit style one and looked huge to me! I took it out and looked at it, put my hand around its girth to see how big it felt, I was definitely wet thinking about it being used. Then I heard a noise and, jumping, I spun around to face the door but there was no one there. I returned the vibrator to it’s place under the bed and left her room.

On my birthday a month later she gave me a lovely bracelet but when I went to bed that night there was an extra package on my bed, it was a rabbit vibrator just like hers. We never discussed it, she never as much as gave me a knowing smile, but we both knew she’d caught me with hers and we both knew what we got up to in our rooms on our own at night!

The following year we lived in a house with three other girls and although I think Christine tried to keep me doing her chores the other girls wouldn’t have it, they called her lazy and despite me saying I didn’t mind they wouldn’t allow me to do as much for her and we ended up becoming less close, still friends in the same group but not as much of a “group within a group”. We kept in touch after I left university but I never spoke with her again after I left London.

I hadn’t thought about her in many years until Mistress and I were talking when I was at home last week. I’d never considered that time to be anything more than girls living together at university but in hindsight I think she basically Domme’d me, but without any sexual element. She had me wrapped around her little finger and I would have done pretty much anything for her and we were both perfectly happy with it. I don’t think she did it intentionally, I think she was naturally dominant and I was naturally submissive and we just fell into it with each other. I do wonder where she is now and whether she ever got into the lifestyle like I have.

This all came as a bit of a revelation to me recently so I thought I’d share it on here with you all, I hope you enjoy learning a little bit more about my past and what makes me the woman I am today!

Another point of view

I met my sub under quite unusual circumstances, I’d been following her exploits for some time via this blog and also through a mutual acquaintance, Hannah. Lois and Hannah knew each other as subs a long time ago but drifted apart after Lois parted ways with her then partner. I met Hannah during that time when she was just starting to switch and have been friends with her through her transformation into a Domme.

My interest in Lois was always fairly detached, I enjoyed reading about her exploits but nothing really more than that and then she sort of dropped off my radar when she broke up with her previous Domme (Kayleigh) and stopped writing as much.

I think at some point during that time she reconnected with Hannah and played with her a bit which in turn brought her back to my attention through my conversations with Hannah.

My opinion of Lois at that time in her life is that she was, without wanting to be cruel, broken. She was running around looking for something to fill the void she was left with when she split with Kayleigh without ever dealing with the hurt she felt from it. She’d either play with anyone who offered her a distraction from her own thoughts, irrelevent of whether she got anything from it or she would bury herself in work to the point that it made her ill. I saw an amazing woman, an amazing masochist going completely to waste and in dire need of control and direction.

That might all seem harsh but if you ask her she will agree, she calls it “spiraling”. She sought crazier and more extreme play as a way to keep “happiness” in her life when she couldn’t find it where she really wanted to. People like Lois, submissive and masochistic people, put a huge amount of trust in another person when they submit to them, they literally give their body to them and usually their heart and soul as well. The break up with Kayleigh was devastating for Lois in a way that I don’t think most people can really understand.

I have spoken with Kayleigh since taking Lois and in her defence, she was young and naive, she didn’t know what she had, she was overwhelmed trying to give Lois what she wanted and to grow herself as a person and she basically ran away. She didn’t realise the profound effect it would have on Lois over the following years. I’m not defending her actions but her own struggles do deserve some consideration.

Anyway, I’ve got completely off track, I am not such an acomplished writer as my sub is.

Through talking to Hannah and following Lois’ blog I began to become more fascinated with Lois and ideas began to form in my head about how I would guide her and train her. How I could harness her masochism and submissiveness to my own will and I have to admit I had a fair few interesting dreams about her.

Eventually I spoke with Hannah about my interest in Lois, it had got to a point that I wanted to play with her. We hatched a plan.

I like to mess with a subs head, it’s not just about the physical for me, I like to ilicit the most extreme emotions in them when I play with them. Lois wrote about the time I made her think I was going to nail her hands to a board. I barely touched her through that whole scene but when I held her afterwards she was shaking uncontrollably, she was in floods of tears and clinging to me like a child. She confessed afterwards she’d experienced a tsunami of emotions at the moment that I’d pulled her into my arms. I loved creating that huge physical and mental reaction in her, and, she asks to borrow my shoes now!

The meeting was carefully orchastrated, I knew of Lois’ plans to have a self torture session in her shed just like everyone else as she had posted all about it on her blog. What Lois likes about self bondage, the way she does it, is the inescapability of it. She has invested a lot of thought in crafting scenarios that are inevitable and I think that is very brave, and possibly foolish! Anyway, I knew she would be locked in a place that I could get to, she would be horny, vunerable and her senses would be hightened.

I sat in my car and watched Lois arrive home from work, looking every bit the normal business woman. When she went inside I moved up to park across from her house where I could see down the side and, vaguely, see her shed. I was wearing all black tight fitting clothes, I’m sure I looked like a burgler or something, it’s fortunate she has no nosey neighbours! I watched as she went to the shed and then returned to the house, then took forever before returning to the shed in a dressing gown.

I left my car and slipped down the side of her house and, as quietly as possible, through the gate and waited in the shadows being careful to position myself so that I wouldn’t be seen if she came back out of the shed. In doing so I was conscious that I was visible from the road, sneaking around is harder work than it looks.

I needed to give her plenty of time get settled into her self bondage scene, it was important for my own plan that she was incapacitated and most importantly blindfolded, before I made my move so once I was sure she was definitely starting I returned to my car and left her to it.

I drove home and spent a couple of hours texting Hannah, I was nervous about how she would react but anxious to get on with it, Hannah suggested leaving it a few hours. Patience is a virtue I usually have in spades and I found it interesting that in this case I was so impatient to get this done.

I arrived back outside her house in the early hours of the morning and parked directly outside her house. There was every chance I’d get caught doing this and had my plan B all ready, basically come clean immediately. I repeated my steps down the side and then with my heart pumping fast and butterflies in my chest, I pulled open the door and stepped inside.

Lois was kneeling in front of me, completely naked and spread wide. Her head was pulled back by the bondage she had put herself in and she had drool dripping from around the gag in her mouth. There were weighted clamps hanging from her nipples and pussy lips and a large ring from her clit. It took me a few seconds to work out what she’d done but then I realised the rope that was holding her head back was also a weighted crotch rope. Her pussy looked red and swollen, and wet, she was quite the sight to behond and it took considerable self restraint not to get involved in this wonderful scene, she looked gorgeous.

She was trying to say something, presumably asking who was there but I couldn’t understand through her gag. I could see her breathing was getting faster, she was freaking out, I smiled. After admiring her handiwork and her body though I stuck to my plan, I bent down close to her holding my breath and then kissed her on the cheek just below her eye leaving a red lipstick mark there so that she’d know that I was female.

She jumped a mile when I kissed her and almost headbutted me, I watched her moaning into her gag, the jerky movement had yanked on her crotch rope and the bricks hanging from it were swinging back and forth, I took pity on her a little and steadied them, then I bent down and took out my lipstick.

I expected this to be difficult, that she wouldn’t stay still while I drew on her chest but after the initial touch of the lipstick she cooperated while I wrote my phone number there. I didn’t know if she was scared or just being submissive but I appreciated her making that easier for me.

When I was done she quite calmly said “who is it” and managed to make it understandable despite the gag, she sounded almost pleading when she said it and it made me smile. I blew her a kiss and left the shed.

I waited outside the shed for at least ten minues, standing silently, to make sure she didn’t freak out so much that she hurt herself trying to get out of her bondage, then I left. I was very excited to have initiated things with her, excited thinking about her still in that shed and in bondage, forced to stay there and think about what had just happened. I imagined her fantasing about who it could be, her pussy dripping with the excitement, the humiliation and the shame of it.

It was a terrible idea.

In hindsight, knowing Lois more intimately and knowing the state of her mind at the time this was a huge mistake and overstep. What I’d intended as a fun and exciting introduction brought back a lot of fears and insecurities she has that I was not aware of at the time.

As planned I didn’t answer her calls straight away, my intention was to keep her guessing for a little longer, maybe call her back when I knew she couldn’t answer and then go silent again when she called back. I wanted her to be desperate and excited to find out who it was.

You should never question Lois’ intelligence or resourcefulness, it only took her a couple of days before she had my name and was yelling at Hannah, and I mean yelling. This was not any meek submissive girl from what I’ve been told, she was furious with Hannah and I felt terrible for damaging their friendship, Hannah was really upset too. She called me and I immediately called Lois.

I won’t go into the detail of that conversation but it started off quite unpleasant but ended in a much more friendly fashion.

A week or so later we went for a meal, Hannah and her sub, myself and Lois. I admit I was quite nervous about meeting her properly, after what had gone on we were hardly on the Domme/sub sort of footing I was hoping we would be so I had no idea how it would go. I was still fairly certain I’d blown any chance with her before we’d even met.

She was dressed a lot more casually than I was, I’d gone for boots and a dress which I think makes me look good and had worn the deep red lipstick that I had drawn on her with, she was in jeans! I don’t have a thing like most male Doms do where subs always have to wear dresses and skirts but this just told me she wasn’t seeing me as potential for dating.

Hannah very craftily motioned Lois into the booth next to her sub and then got in herself so that I would be facing Lois. As soon as we sat down Hannah upped the sexual tension by giving some orders to her sub, basically making her sit and masturbate while the rest of us talked.

I smiled watching the girl squirm and noticed Lois squirming a little herself and it gave me an idea. We all chatted quite civilly for a while, nothing overtly sexual but I was getting a good vibe from Lois and was certainly relaxing so when the food came and Hannah let her sub stop masturbating I suggested that Lois clean her fingers for her.

It was a bit of a risky move, after the drama with our meeting I thought it could go either way but I didn’t see the point in messing around. If she stormed off at least I’d know where we stood and could move on. The girls fingers were coated in her cum and Lois made out like she was going to lick them clean but then wiped them with a napkin at the last moment, I couldn’t help it, a laugh burst out of me.

I’m not sure why I found it so funny, part of me was definitely offended by her lack of respect and her defiance but part of me couldn’t help but be amused. This is because although the act itself was defiant it was plainly obvious that she was trying to make a point and that this was absolutely not her natural instinct or behaviour. I didn’t appreciate Hannah’s sub smirking though and gave her a sterm look, Hannah caned her for it later while I watched.

Hannah gave us a little time on our own later and I was definitely feeling mutual attraction from Lois, she was very attentive when I was speaking and very engaged in the conversation. She has since confessed she was trying to be very “unsubmissive” but I have to say she failed miserably, even if I hadn’t known I would have identified her as a submissive easily.

The night was drawing to a close and I was certain I wanted to spend more time with Lois so I asked and happily she agreed. I felt it was important to understand what I was asking for though so I took her glass of wine and, while she watched, let some saliva run from my mouth into it. A little uncouth I admit but I was improvising with little to work with, as the other two returned I quite serious told her not to disobery me again.

Despite that she didn’t touch her wine and ten minutes later we were getting up to leave. I needed some confirmation that this was going to go the way I wanted so I told Lois to finish her wine, which still had my bubbly spit floating on its surface. This was it for me, if she didn’t drink it I would walk away but she drank it all and the little blushing smile she gave me spoke a thousand words.

Lois was picked up by her sister and the three of us went back to Hannah’s home. After she was caned the sub was sent to bed and Hannah and I spent half the night talking about various things but I kept bringing it back to Lois. I was very excited, more excited than I had been about the scene in a long time. I saw huge potential in her as a sub and knew it would work well with us, we could both give each other what we needed and beyond that I could tell she was an amazing, intelligent, funny person that I could see myself spending a lot of happy time with. I was very excited about our next date.

I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while, giving my side of those turbulent events at the start. I’m no writer, I don’t have Lois’ skills in that area but hopefully it will come across well enough for her fans to enjoy it at least a little. If you did, let me know in the comments and I will maybe try and write my side of some of her other activities at some point.

Fiona

 

Travel

As those of you who follow me on Tumblr will know the reason I am not currently posting is because I have been away in New York for the last three weeks for work, I’m currently home for a few days but am then heading back to the States for another week or two. It sounds glamorous but it really isn’t, it is extremely busy and quite lonely at times.

Whilst away I have had no “fun” that you would be interested in, we had some ideas of things we could do long distance but I’ve been so busy (working twelve hour days, six days a week) that there hasn’t really been any time for it and when I’m not working I’m so tired that Mistress just allows me to rest.

We talk often and we have maintained some of my rules, for instance I dress the same as when at home and wear my day collar out of the apartment I’m staying in and my indoors collar when I’m back there. Mistress has also bought an internet controlled vibrator for me to take back with me when I return to New York in a few days so that should be fun.

She has also told me that she is close to setting up one or two New York based customers for her “blow job service”, so that could be interesting if I can find the time to provide the service to them. I have no idea how she has made these contacts in the US or what kind of people they will be but that is true of the local “customers” as well. It is really quite humiliating when I consider that a recurring part of my life now involves allowing, in fact making complete strangers cum in my mouth and swallowing what they “offer” me. Prior to the last few weeks whilst I have been away there wasn’t a week that passed when I didn’t swallow a strangers cum!

In other news, which may interest some of you, Mistress has begun entertaining offers to assist in my training and use. I have passed several details to her from people on CollarSpace who have asked to use me for her to consider. She really enjoys sharing me with other people and has significantly increased the total number of sexual partners I have had whilst I have been with her.

Basically my standing orders regarding this are, if someone asks to use me I should take their age, location, email address and some detail of what they want to do with me and pass it to Mistress. If she finds their suggestion interesting she will get in contact with them and possibly arrange something. It is a combination of exciting, humiliating and terrifying for me as she decides unilaterally who I will engage in sexual activities with and what those activities will be.

Sorry this is short and sweet, I do hope to write a bit more soon but it all depends on how much time I have over the next few days and weeks.

Escalations

I don’t know if this happens to anyone else or if it’s just me but small ideas that I have just seem to escalate into these huge crazy plans!

A few weeks ago my Mistress and I were discussing various kinks over a bottle of wine, as you do, and I mentioned that I have been having thoughts about cuckolding or rather more accurately, cuckqueaning. For those that are unaware a cuckquean is a female who’s husband or partner sleeps with other people, it is basically the female version of a cuckold.

Mistress pressed me and I ended up revealing that I liked the idea of her forcing me to watch her have sex with a man and then forcing me to clean them up afterwards but never take an active part in pleasuring them or myself. This is most certainly psychological masochism on my part because I would not enjoy seeing her with someone else especially as she is 100% bisexual and I know she enjoys straight sex and only gave it up to be with me.

I don’t often voluntarily engage is this sort of psychological torture because I have struggled with it in the past but I feel so comfortable with Miss Fiona that it is something that has started to drift into my fantasies again after a long time.

Anyway, we discussed it at the time and then it wasn’t really mentioned again until yesterday when she announced that it would be happening this weekend. An old Dom friend of her’s is in the UK for a few days and he will be coming to visit us on Saturday. We discussed it at length and she reassured me that there are no romantic feelings between them and that he will be gone after the weekend, he simply enjoys sex, likes my Miss and agreed to take part in this scene. She assured me we wouldn’t go through with it if I wasn’t happy and I could safe word out of the scene at any time and it would stop so we agreed to go ahead with it.

However, whilst discussing the details of how it would happen, again over some wine, things escalated. Miss had been hoping that the chastity belt option would win the poll, in fact she voted for it herself, as I have been reluctant to wear it due to me really disliking it immensely and for some reason she has never really pushed the point, until now. She decided that as she would be otherwise engaged she wouldn’t be able to guarantee I wasn’t pleasuring myself whilst watching her and so I would wear my belt for the whole evening. Obviously I protested this because I hate wearing the belt so now I’m wearing it all weekend.

There was one other problem, tomorrow was the day we had put aside for my punishment, the punishment you chose of 655 needles being pushed into my breasts. Mistresses hated the asymmetry of having 327 in one and 328 in the other so she decided, with a large smile on her face I might add, that she would push 327 needles into each of my tits and then find somewhere “fun” to put the last one!

Honestly my breasts aren’t that big, I wear a 30-32 C bra and I’m not even certain there is enough room for that many needles. Mistress intends to bind them tightly first which will make them more of a ball shape and may create a larger surface area where it is possible to push needles in. I’m quite excited to see what it is going to look like whilst quite petrified about how its going to feel to have that many needles in them, it will definitely be a first for me. I’ve spoken to a nurse (a friend who is also in the scene) and they said it will be safe as long as the needles aren’t too large a gauge but there will likely be significant bruising so I should plan on covering up for at least a week afterwards.

I’m not exactly sure what order everything will happen in, Miss will deal with those details, but I do know that my other duties for the evening include cooking and waitressesing. It’s going to be an interesting evening to say the least, I think I am looking forward to it and fearing it in equal measure and they usually turn out to be the best scenes so overall I think I’m excited!

Viewing stats

One of the caveats I was given before I started to post again was that I am not permitted to view the stats page of the admin area of the blog, so after I looked at the stats today and admitting it to Miss Fiona when I got home from work I’m in a bit of trouble!

Miss thought it appropriate that my punishment be driven by the source of my disobedience so as such, below is a poll for you  it will stay active until this time tomorrow and then my punishment will be carried out on Wednesday.