Someone asked me recently what submission means to me and I have my usual answer of ”it’s just the way I am, it’s my natural state”. I sometimes go into more detail about how I struggled with it for a long time and just wanted to be a “normal” girl and all of that stuff I’ve talked about on here before but it’s been a while since I’ve actually thought about this, what it means to me to be a submissive.
Even after putting some more thought into it my stock answer still holds up for the most part. Like being gay, straight, trans, non-binary, etc, etc, etc being submissive isn’t a choice, or I don’t believe it is anyway. I believe it is something that is hard wired into you and it was certainly that way for me, trust me when I say I made great efforts to escape it and, happily, failed.
What I haven’t often talked about and I don’t recall ever writing about on my blog is how the act of submitting feels in the moment. It’s a feeling that I genuinely live for and the reason that all those escape attempts failed, like a heroin addict coming back for that amazing high I am a submission addict.
If you think about it, and I mean really think about it, do you ever let your body entirely relax except for when you are unconscious? I don’t know a great deal about the biology of the human body beyond owning one (I also own a car and know nothing about those!) but I don’t think there is any time in my vanilla life where I am not in some way tensing parts of my body in order to sit a certain way, stand a certain way, walk a certain way. Even when relaxing on a sofa there is still tension in your body, I think that is how all bodies work?
There are occasions in my vanilla life where I have consciously made an effort to let all tension out of my body while lying down and just let it be and it feels really good to do that, but nothing compared with how I feel when I physically submit to another person
In that moment when I have ceded control to the other I feel a sense of peace and relaxation that I’ve never felt in any other situation. Actually now I think about it there is a small element of the same thing when I’m getting my hair cut, getting a piercing or tattoo or going for a doctors appointment where they need to touch you. I guess it’s related to giving control of yourself to them even if, like with the examples above, in a non-sexual way.
When it is in a more intimate setting though the sensations are multiplied dramatically. Standing before Fiona having no idea what she is going to do with me but also knowing she can do whatever she wants with me is such a hard to describe but heady feeling, it puts me in a sort of trance state where all of my senses are heightened and enhanced and all tension bleeds from my body.
The difference between a session when I feel this and one where I don’t is black and white, night and day. This is by no means a feeling I’ve had during every D/s encounter in my life and there have been plenty of sessions with Dominants in the past that I have thoroughly enjoyed without feeling it, but none of them beat the times that I did.
It is a feeling of intense care free well being and contentment and when I feel it I never want to stop feeling it, which of course I always did after the session but with Mistress it is different. The feeling is always there with her, not like it is in an intimate moment but every time I am with her, get a call or message from her or even just think about her I immediately feel it and that is the best thing in the world to me and why I know she is the one for me. My mind are hers at a subconscious level so it only makes sense for me to give my body to her at a conscious one.
What does submission mean to me? Everything
This is kind of rambling post where I’ve just vomited out the thoughts I’ve been having on the subject so apologies for that but I thought maybe you’d find it interesting. I’d very much enjoy any comments from other submissives if they feel something similar and from Dominants or Switches on whether they have an equivalent. I think it would be an interesting conversation.
Speaking of conversation my other site The Fet Library now has a free Discord server where people chat about stories and kink and Halo (😊)! If you’d like to join in just click this link, I’m trying to build a little community of like minded people there x
On occasion Mistress Fiona and I will have a long weekend away somewhere in the UK just for a little break. Obviously that hasn’t been possible so much int he last couple of years but as things are starting to return back to normal we booked an impromptu weekend in sunny Manchester (spoiler: it wasn’t sunny!).
On Friday morning we packed our bags and then as we were about to leave Mistress produced a beautiful polished titanium eternity collar. She had me kneel at her feet as she closed the continuous metal ring around my neck and locked it, making a point of leaving the “key” on the side at home before leading me out of the house.
Even though I wear a collar of some sort all of the time (it can range from a strict leather posture collar to a simple necklace) it was a little daunting realising that I would be wearing this solid metal one all weekend. To some people I guess it could look like a very heavy necklace but really it is quite clearly a collar.
The journey to Manchester, via London, was fairly uneventful. In fact as far as this blog is concerned it was entirely dull! We arrived in Manchester and headed to our hotel which was really lovely (see the cover image).
After unpacking our clothes and making ourselves at home we headed into the city centre to do a bit of shopping (Mistress bought a lovely hat and dress from Ted Baker!) and went for a delicious meal at a Lebanese restaurant. I think that might be the first time I’ve had Lebanese food but it definitely won’t be the last!
After the meal we walked back to the hotel. As soon as we were in the room Fiona undressed me, leaving my coat, dress and underwear in a pool around my feet, and then led me over to the bed. Mistress often likes to have me naked whilst she is fully or mostly dressed and I love it too, it very much puts me in the right headspace as a submissive, I guess psychologically it’s a power exchange things but I don’t feel the need to analyse it too much, we both just enjoy it.
Anyway she then pulled out a black dildo gag which looked kind of like a short double ended dildo with a ball gag type strap towards one end. She moved the gag to my mouth and I obediently opened and took the three inches of so of silicone cock into my mouth and then she pulled the strap around my head and buckled it. It was surprisingly comfortable to wear because the parts that pulled into the sides of my mouth were also soft silicone so even when tightly strapped it didn’t hurt
I watched Mistress pull down and step out of her underwear and then she pulled me to my feet by my new face cock and pushed me backwards onto the bed by it, following me onto it and straddling me as she moved up my body. She gripped my wrists and moved then above my head in one movement and then pinned them there with her knees as she straddled my head.
It’s kind of hard to explain this retrospectively but Mistress is very commanding and I organically know where she wants me to be and it is not in any way awkward even when she is putting me into a specific position, I just kind of end up where she wants me.
My world was suddenly shrunk to only include my owners pussy as she slid onto the dildo protruding from my face and her skirt covered my head casting me into complete darkness.
I really have no idea how long passed but it felt like a long time, well over half an hour if I had to guess. During that time she fucked the dildo and ground her pussy into my face whilst (as I found out later) she watched videos of some of our S&M sessions. On more than one occasion her pussy was pushed into my nose but she knew what she was doing and I always got to breathe in the scent of her arousal again, eventually.
When she finally let me free we fucked vigorously and I fell asleep in her arms with her dried juices coating my face.
After a lie-in in a wonderfully comfortable bed we got up and went down for breakfast before returning to the room for a shower. Once Mistress had finished I went for my own shower ensuring I was properly clean inside and out as always.
When I emerged from the (admittedly quite long shower) I found Mistress fully dressed and ready to leave. I panicked a little thinking I was about to get in trouble for keeping her waiting but she smiled a smile that I know all too well and my heart sank and did somersaults all at the same time, a feeling only my wife can create in me!
I was led to a the end of the bed which was sort of a thoroughfare between the bed and the TV/desk area. I was placed on my knees and then bent forward with my arms above my head so that my bum was raised up a little. It is known as the “humble” position as in the picture although my ass was lower down and my knees further forward and spread wider which had the effect of parting my lips and cheeks exposing my holes. I was then blindfolded and told not to move before I heard the door open and then close again.
This is a position I find extremely humiliating and am also quite familiar with, Mistress regularly has me assume it often for long periods of time. The longest I have held it for was five hours during which a party started and ended and I served as a mere ornament. I wore ear plus the whole time and was trapped in my own head wondering who was observing me, photographing me, visually violating the most intimate parts of my body and only towards the end did this give way to the struggle simple to be Mistress’ ornament. It was an experience that stayed with me and while I still find the position very humiliating, especially when I know people other than Mistress can see me, but when it is just us, I can now find a fairly profound (if horny) and dare I say humble peace holding it for her.
What I didn’t know at the time but do know now is that when Fiona left the room she hung the “Make Up Room” sign on the door handle! Attached to the sign was a post it note which said (and I quote!):
To housekeeping, my wife is in this room in a state of undress that you may find offensive. If you think you will do so then please come back after midday when neither of us will be in the room. However if you choose to enter and make up the room whilst ignoring her you will find a generous gratuity on the desk for the inconvenience and discretion. Kind regards, Mistress Fiona.
The ultimate test of my submission to Mistress is always the times when in a moment my body and often mind is screaming at me to move or stop but through a combination of my willpower and need to please her I don’t. This could be holding a position while she brings the cane down one more time on my welted ass, pushing a needle through my own tongue or staying perfectly still when the hotel room door opens to a view of my stretched open holes.
At first I thought, wished, hoped it was Fiona who had returned to the room but as I held my breath and my heart thumped in my chest I heard a little giggle that was absolutely not Mistress! The urge to cover yourself is instinctive and I’ve had to learn to supress it which is what I did at this point. My cheeks (on my face) burnt red as the humiliation washed over me but at the same time my nipples were hardening and my extremely exposed pussy was warming and dampening.
As I listened to her cleaning up the bathroom I wondered if she had left the door open as maids often do, I couldn’t remember if I’d heard it close behind her and I knew if it was open any passer by could look in and see.
The deep burning humiliation intensified as she finished in the bathroom and proceeded to remake the bed. Moving around it purposefully but stepping past me more times than I would have thought necessary and close enough that I could feel the hem of her skin brushing against my naked skin. Each time it happened the sensation was heightened by my situation and it felt intense.
After what felt like an eternity but was likely no more than ten minutes the activity stopped, I heard some scratching and then I jumped a little as I felt her touch me on my lower back just above my ass crack. Then the door opened and closed (at this point I realised that at least I hadn’t been exposed to the corridor the whole time) and I was alone again with my thoughts and my very wet pussy!
While I was waiting I realised that she had left something on me but as I wasn’t allowed to move I had no way of knowing what it was. When Mistress returned she took a photo and showed me the post it note saying “Thank you for the tip” that had been stuck just above my ass with a chocolate placed on top of it.
Fiona said I still looked very flushed when she let me up from the floor and was very pleased with how her plan had worked out as well as how wet I was when she put her hand between my legs. I was very much hoping she would reward me but instead we left the hotel ten minutes later and the nice warm damp feeling was turned into it’s own torture by the cool autumn air.
We spent the afternoon shopping, at first we visited some very nice high end lingerie stores where Mistress chose a gorgeous and very expensive black teddy with cut outs in the side which she very graciously allowed me to buy for her. Then we went to a somewhat less high end lingerie store that could probably more accurately be described as a sex shop and picked out some underwear for me. A black lacy quarter cup bra (a bra that holds your boobs without really covering them) and a barely there g-string both made out of the cheapest material you can think of which Mistress also generously allowed me to pay for!
Mistress looked amazing in her new lingerie when we were getting ready for the evening, my underwear, if you could call it that, was…..unfortunate to say the least! The gave me a bit of cleavage but not much else and was generally uncomfortable, the g-string (basically a tiny strip of material that ran around my waist, down between my ass cheeks and between my lips ending in about an inch triangle of material) was very uncomfortable. It was so tight that it looked like it disappeared into my pussy and then magically reappeared at the top of my ass cheeks!
The meal out was lovely but uneventful aside from me feeling very self conscious of my pieced nipples being very visible through the top of my dress. However when we got back to the hotel and entered the lift (aka elevator) Fiona pulled a dog lead (aka dog leash) from her bag and attached it to my collar as I looked at her and my cheeks pinked slightly.
The doors opened and I followed her out but she stopped and without turning to look at me said ”that’s not how dogs walk”. I obviously knew what she meant and was also conscious of where we were and how public a setting it was as well, but what could I do? I knelt and then moved to an all fours position and as soon as I did Mistress continued walking at a pace that allowed me to crawl behind her and keep some slack in the lead, only bad dogs pull on the lead!
As I crawled along the corridor with my ass in the air and my dress riding up to expose the black floss running between my cheeks and lips our room seemed much further from the lifts that it had any of the previous times we had walked to it. It’s hard to describe the feeling of doing something so very publicly humiliating knowing anyone could walk out of one of the many rooms and exit the lifts and see you like that. There is a very heady mix of excitement and fear, a lot of fear, but also for someone in my position an inevitability because while, technically, I can say no in reality that was really never an option.
Looking up at Mistress from a position of submissiveness always gives me a particular feeling that I love, it’s a feeling of contentedness and belonging I guess and crawling along an expensive hotel corridor was no different despite the other feelings I describe above. I love her so much for so many reasons but a big one is that she knows how to make me feel….me! I guess it’s weird to imagine me feeling an overwhelming love for her whilst she is putting me in such a predicament but there you go.
We eventually reached the door but rather than going straight in she had me kneel in front of it whilst she lifted my dress over my head and placed the handle of the lead in my mouth, which I gripped obediently with my teeth. I watched her evil grin as the door closed behind her and couldn’t help but let a small smile spread across my lips before I was left basically naked kneeling in a hotel corridor.
My heart went into overdrive a minute later when a door between me and lifts opened and voices emerged. I kept my eyes trained on the light emanating from the bottom of our door whilst the voices rescinded towards the lift and just hoped they didn’t look back down the corridor, whether they did or not I’ll never know.
When the door opened again several minutes later Mistress was wearing just her new lingerie and after gently taking the lead’s handle from my mouth led me into the room. I’m going to keep what happened after that private but suffice to say that scissoring from a long time whilst only one of you is allowed to cum (and it’s not you) is physically and mentally exhausting. I fell asleep wet, horny and physically unsatisfied but very happy to have satiated my owner.
The next day after breakfast we had to pack and vacate the room but just before we did Mistress had me lean on a chair whilst she slid my knickers off and pushed a heavy metal plug into my ass. I didn’t know which plug it was at the time (we have many!) but this particular one says “OWNED BY MISTRESS FIONA” in pink letters on a black background on it’s head, I guess so that anyone who sees it knows who my asshole belongs to!
We had a great time in Manchester, it is a lovely city that we found we really liked, load of nice bars and restaurants and our hotel was perfect. We did some fun play some of which we wouldn’t feel as comfortable doing closer to home and generally had a good time.
The only thing that took the shine off a little was at Piccadilly train station, Mistress saw a guy staring at me (which, btw guys, is sexual harassment in itself) and decided to possessively kiss me to let him know who I belonged to (clearly he hadn’t seen my plug!), his response to this was to shout “Fucking dykes” at us, which was as unpleasant as it sounds.
There are a number of holes in my body beyond the obvious three so I thought I’d write about them all and how my Mistress sees fit to put them to good use! I’ll start with the ones I was born with and then talk about the after market ones that Fi decided my body needed.
Beyond my dietary and communication needs my mouth is there to service Mistress however she wants, I’ve used it to give her direct pleasure on pretty much every inch of her body at one time or another, some more than others! She also uses it to clean up messes and spills as well as her personal toilet when the mood takes her. I remember one time she spilt a load of soy sauce on the floor and had me clean it up “manually”. I hadn’t cleaned the floor in a few days and it was horrible to lick up pure soy anyway, I really did not enjoy that! Mistress is also not shy about using my extensive oral skills on other people either as I’ve written about before.
My pussy is used for pleasure, either mine or somebody else’s and it does it fairly well even if I do say so myself! It’s had a multitude of different things pushed into it, whether its a strap-on, a dildo, a vibe, a vegetable, a flesh and blood cock or something more adventurous it’s probably been in my pussy and someone has got some enjoyment out of it. Similarly my ass has been well used over the years and has had various items introduced to it, most notably a 52cm long toy which I managed (eventually) to take fully inside me.
So on to the holes that I wasn’t born with but Mistress decided I should have anyway. Actually, the first wasn’t Mistress at all, both my ears are pierced but I had those done myself a long time ago. They’ve never been used for play and while I don’t always wear earrings in them I do fairly regularly.
Then there is my septum, I’ve had this pierced for a few years now and most of the time I wear a simple clear acrylic retainer in it which is completely invisible when turned upwards. The only time something else is in it is when Mistress decides to “use” it which makes it very much a practical thing that Mistress wanted to have done to me. Over the first year she increased the size of the hole to 6g (about 4mm) which was big enough for anything she wanted to do with it. She has different sized rings that she will put in the piercing, from one that is tight around my nose to one that hangs to the bottom of my chin. She also has a dog leash that she often clips into it so she can lead me around and “control me”, also on more than one occasion she has attached me to an object or another person with a padlock through it. I’ve spent time with my septum piercing locked to both the clit hood and cock head piercings of complete strangers.
My nipples were modified and pierced by mutual agreement although by the time it was done my agreement was most certainly not needed. For those that don’t already know my nipples have been tattooed around my areola in the same colour to make them into a heart shape, there are photos of this on other posts. My nipples were also pierced and those piercings have now been stretched to 10g (about 3mm) and contain rings that, when closed using a special “key” that Mistress holds, cannot be opened. They look like a continuous metal ring and we really like them, plus they are useful for Mistress to hang things from or use in bondage (now they are fully healed and can take some abuse) and have the added bonus that my nipples are hard and sensitive 100% of the time!
And for right now, that is it! As people who’ve been reading longer will know I did at one point have a clit piercing that ended up getting torn and I have had various temporary holes put in my pussy lips, tits and tongue but they were all allowed to heal up so that they could get new holes put in them another time!
If you’ve visited the site you’ll see that I’ve started to make some changes to it to bring it a little more up to date, it’s still a work in progress so bare with me but one of the things I wanted to do was give it a title, and I decided upon “Learning from My Mistakes” because a lot of the stories I seem to write about are the result of me doing something silly or being punished for doing something I should, as demonstrated in my last two posts!
I felt the title fit quite well and was something a bit more interesting than just “Pain Slut Lois” like it has been for the last (oh god!) 15 years of my blog! Are you sure you want more of this rambling nonsense?
Often times it is my mouth that gets me in the most trouble. A good example would be… I’m not sure, a while ago when Fi had brought home a friend and a couple of bottles of wine to go with the meal I’d made for us one Friday night. I took one sip and blurted out “That tastes like piss!”, I know I know, sometimes I have impulse control issues but in my defence it was pretty dodgy wine and it wasn’t entirely cold.
I knew I’d messed up from the look Miss gave me, it was the kind of look that most people would dismiss as a quick glance with maybe a hint of surprise mixed in there but that I know means “Well you’ll be paying for that later!” and my cheeks pinkened. To be honest the lok was unnecessary, I knew as soon as I’d said it that it was a mistake and Mistress knew that I knew that but she does love to make me squirm.
And squirm I did, for the rest of the evening I was distracted wondering what the consequences of my outburst would be. Fi has a way of administering something that in another scenario I might quite enjoy, such as a spanking or caning, in a way that really makes it feel like a punishment. A lack of warm up, the sharp suddenness of her actions, there are a hundred subtle changes she makes that makes it feel like I am being punished and makes it an unpleasant experience rather than a fun one.
As it turned out the punishment wouldn’t have been fun no matter how she shaped it for me. Appropriately considering my outburst I would be drinking her piss for a week, and not just any piss, her morning piss
She explained that this would a) remind me what piss tastes like so that I wouldn’t confuse her wine with it in future and b) make my mouth taste as foul as it sounded. I have to admit she does have a good knack for making the punishment fit the crime!
So every day for the next week I’d find a pint glass, yes a pint glass, filled with fairly dark yellow liquid sitting on the toilet seat after Fi had finished getting herself ready for the day and I’d kneel in front of the toilet, take the glass in my hand and slowly drain the very strong tasting urine down my throat being careful not to spill any as I was inevitably wearing a suit or something for work.
Mistress never watched me do it, it wasn’t a scene or a play session, I merely showed her the empty glass afterwards so she could confirm she was happy I’d completed my punishment that day and then we went on with our day. The only difference that week is that she refrained from giving me a goodbye kiss as we both left for work given I wasn’t allowed to rinse my mouth afterwards and, as he put it, “I have no interest in knowing what piss tastes like”.
For those that are not educated in such matters, no wine, no matter how bad, tastes like somebodies morning piss 🥂
Thank you so much for all of the kind words and encouragement I have received over the last couple of days both in comments and through my other means of contact (Twitter/FetLife), it has been really lovely and has meant a lot to me. So it is decided, I will dust off the old journal and get back to writing about some of the adventures I go on with Mistress Fiona.
I’ll spend some time making the site look pretty again (it’s looking very 2018 at the moment!) and in the meantime have a think about some things we have done that might make interesting reading.
Another short (although it didn’t feel like it at the time) thing I was talking about the other day was how Mistress uses my septum piercing. For those that don’t know I have my septum pierced and most of the time I have a small plastic spacer in it which I mostly don’t notice and is almost impossible to see unless you’re looing directly up my nose which I would hope most people don’t!
It gets used for various things, Mistress might attach a dog leash to it so she can lead my around by it, it’s had large and heavy rings in it that hang over my mouth and I’ve ben locked to objects (and people!) with a padlock through it.
On this occasion I’d absentmindedly pinched her bum as I walked past her and Mistress was not amused! She put a ring in my nose, cuffed my hands behind my back and then made me stand on a step while she hooked the nose ring over the clothes hook on the back of the bathroom door. The step was removed and I was left not quite able to put my feet flat on the floor for about two hours!
Ironically the only part of me that didn’t hurt when I was set free was my nose, I was so worried about ripping the ring out that I protected it at the expense of literally every other part of my body! My calves and thighs were agony, my neck was sore, my arms were aching and it took me a while to fully recover!
Suffice to say I haven’t pinched my Mistresses bum since and will certainly be keeping better control of my subconscious actions in future, unless of course I’m feeling particularly masochistic! 😈
I will update the links and everything on my blog when I sort it out but for those who have asked, you can contact me here on the comments, on twitter or on FetLife. For the latter of those please don’t send a friend request unless we have had at least one or two actual conversations! Thanks x
It has been some time indeed since I have written here, there are lots of reasons for that none of which are all that interesting really, the overriding one being a lack of free time and if I’m completely honest my drive to continue with the blog has waned somewhat.
Things in my life have progressed at quite a blistering pace since I met Fiona, the events of which you are all familiar with as my writing was quite prolific at the time. Since then I have a new home which I share with my beautiful Mistress, a new job ,a closer relationship to my family than ever before and on Saturday I will become Fiona’s wife, and her mine.
I almost wrote that this is the end of a long road to happiness but it is actually the start of a long road of happiness that I can’t wait to start down. I know this is a bit soppy and not really what this blog has been about but I think that is a reflection of where I am at now.
I started this blog, way back in 2006 (omg!) as a way to express a part of myself that, at the time, I kept hidden from pretty much everyone who knew me properly and only indulged with elicit activities and affairs. Later I documented my various relationships, the ups and the downs and I feel like I took a lot of you with me on the journey to where I am now.
Where I am now is the happiest I have ever been, I can be openly me, the submissive masochistic girl from London to my sister, all of our scene friends (of which I now have many) and even to some of my more open minded vanilla friends. I’ve made peace with past demons including some that I’d buried very deep inside myself. Fiona has moulded me into the person she wants me to be, but also into the person I want to be and I’ll never be able to express how grateful I am to her for that.
In January of last year, 2018, Mistress set me some goals to complete and at the beginning of this year I promised an update on those, so here goes:
Submit to a permanent body modification of my choosing
This was completed and then some! Miss had my nipples tattooed with hearts around them and pierced my septum. I also have a tattoo on my lower abdomen which is a heart which incorporates an F and finally I now have a Christina piecing.
Spend four weeks in chastity
This one unfortunately never happened, however this was more down to Mistress than me and she freely admitted as much and gave me a pass on it.
Contact and make peace with the person who caused her to leave London
This absolutely happened and I did write about it. This one has actually had quite a profound effect on my life and I have become, not friends but friendly with the person in question and she actually comes to me for advice quite often.
Give an orgasm to 52 people that she hadn’t met before 2018
The final tally was:
1 dildo gag
1 oral, anal & vaginal
Speak to her mother every other day
I didn’t literally speak to her every day but I did keep a note of when I did and I surpassed called her on 50% of the days of the year which was good enough for Mistress. And my relationship with my mother has never been better.
Achieve an average daily views count of 500 on this blog
In 2018 I got 138,266 views on my blog, which is a staggering 52,747 more than the previous highest year I have had but still way below what was needed to achieve 500 views per day.
Buy a new house with me (Mistress)
This absolutely happened and we have spent the last few months turning it into a home, our home and we are loving it. Work on the dungeon begins in a few months.
Have her septum pierced
This happened, I now have a permanent hole in my septum, sometimes Mistress has me wear a ring in it, sometimes she uses it to attach a least, sometimes she puts a padlock in it and sometimes, she has that padlock attached to something or someone else!
Experience Domming a submissive
This didn’t really happen, it sort of did in that I tried it but it was highly unsuccessful and Mistress allowed me to stop before it got to cringy. It did give me a better understanding of what it is like to be the “top” in this sort of relationship though, I didn’t like it!
Achieve two of her fantasies
This was completed, I spent a weekend with a trans person and also recreated a scene from torture galaxy where my nipples were nailed to a wooden board and then skewers were pushed through my tits, then more skewers were pushed vertically through my pussy lips and electrified.
Fully expose her lifestyle to at least one person who has known her in real life for more than five years
There are actually two of my vanilla friends who are aware of how I live my life and the full extent of my relationship with Mistress. They don’t know any gory details but they know I am submissive, am a masochist and am controlled in certain ways my my partner. It hasn’t affected my relationship with them one bit.
Exceed her current “most painful torture”
This tied in with the Torture Galaxy scene, having skewers vertically through my pussy lips was absolute agony, much worse that through my tits which I’d had done before albeit a long time ago.
All in all I think I did a good job with those goals in 2018, I didn’t achieve them all but I did most and learn something from each and every one of them which Mistress said was the aim of them in the first place so she had no complaints on my performance. Although that didn’t mean I didn’t get punished for each one I failed on which made for a fun New Years Eve!
Something else that I have put quite a lot of work into it The Fet Library which is my fetish erotic story site. The site has been steadily growing in weekly visitors and I even paid for a little advertising to test the waters (didn’t seem to make much difference to visitor numbers to be honest). There are forums there and the site now has a twitter account where it will post details of new stories as they are published. Please check it out, register and enjoy. I’d love it if more people started using the forums there.
So, his will likely not be the last time I post something on this blog but this is the end of me posting about my kink related activities. I feel like I have given a lot of myself here and it is time to focus on just living my new life with my new wife (her look at that I’m a pet and didn’t know it!) so that is what I am going to do. If I have anything interesting to talk about I might drop in an post something but for now this is it.
If you want to get in touch with me the best way is probably through FetLife (painslutlois) which I log onto at least once a week but please don’t just friend me without saying hello first as I won’t reply.
Thank you so much to everyone who has kept coming back to read my poorly spelled posts and interacted with me over the years. This blog and by extension you guys have saved me and kept me going so many times when I was struggling with myself, life and everything really and I will be eternally grateful for that. I wish you all well for the future and hope to speak with you on FetLife or The Fet Library soon.
Going back a few weeks to the beginning of August Mistress and I went on holiday to Portugal. We’d rented a huge villa with five bedrooms, a pool and hot tub, it was absolutely gorgeous and completely over the top for just the two of us but Mistress wanted to spoil us and who am I to argue with her?
The first week we barely left the villa and in fact I went a full four days, over 92 hours, without putting on a shred of clothing which is a record for me I think. It wasn’t my decision, obviously, but I did find it quite liberating not worrying about what to wear all the time. Mistress did not join me in the nakedness for the most part which I also enjoyed, her being dressed while I am naked is a nice subtle (maybe not so subtle for “normal people”) reinforcement of our positions which I enjoy.
Whilst for that period I wasn’t afforded clothing, for the entire holiday I was afforded the relaxation of my “one orgasm per week” rule which was truly divine! In fact one of the days whilst naked was at the extreme other end of the spectrum to denial. After a leisurely breakfast I went to lay by the pool whilst Mistress took a shower, I laid in the sun for a short while and then moved my sunbed into the shade as I burn pretty easily and that definitely isn’t a pain I enjoy!
About twenty minutes later Mistress appeared in a bikini and sarong carrying a beach bag. She headed over to me and I smiled up at her from my prone position. Smiling back she took my nearest arm and buckled a leather cuff around it before laying it above my head and proceeding to do the same with the other wrist. Finally she looped a piece of rope around the top of the sun bed and tied my cuffs to it. I still had plenty of movement but my arms where obviously now restrained above my head.
She took her little bag of tricks down and knelt beside me and with a simple touch and no words had me lift my legs into a frog position to give her access to my holes. I closed my eyes in anticipation, my pussy had become wet as soon as I’d seen her coming down the stairs towards me and now as I waited to find out what she would do to me next I could feel the heat building there.
I bit my lip as she slid something easily between my lips and it push through my opening but all too soon it was pulled back out. Then it was at my other opening, I realise the first “dip” had merely been to coat the item in my ready supply of lubricant to allow it a slightly easier passage into my ass.
There’s no denying that my ass is well used at this point and not the tight hole it was before I met Miss, however it is by no means “slack” (disgusting word) so I still felt the stretching sensation as she forced the item into me and the satisfying feeling as it slid inside and my hole retracted around its base confirming it was a plug and not a dildo that she had just sodomised me with.
As it turned out my pussy wasn’t going to be left out, another similar shaped item was pushed into it leaving me feeling quite full down there and then some gentle pressure on the top of informed me to put my legs back down. As I returned to a fully prone position I felt something cold on the back of my thighs which was quickly revealed to be a belt as Mistress wrapped it around my upper thighs tight enough to keep them in position and buckled it.
Mistress knows me completely and intimately but I also know her so I knew what it was that now filled my holes. Whilst I was in New York Mistress had used the Lovense Lush and Hush vibrators to torment me from another continent, this time it was just from the other side of the pool as she laid down and I felt them gently come to life inside me.
These are the best vibrators/eggs/plugs I have come across, the sensations they provide are amazing. The lush in particular sits right against my g-spot and can have my cuming in no time if set to a high enough setting. Mistress had the both running but only on the lowest setting which was only enough to get my breathing going.
My upper body was slightly inclined in the sun bed so I could see Mistress across the pool from me, sun hat and glasses on either looking at me or the iPad propped up on her knees. I could see her hand moving across the screen and kept bracing for a change in the sensations but for at least twenty minutes they just hummed gentle inside me keeping my mind focused on them but nothing more.
Then, just as I’d laid my head back to relax and enjoy the sensations the plug ramped up to full speed causing an involuntary “fuuuuuck” to escape my lips after which the pussy vibe synchronised with it and I couldn’t say anything at all as my body tensed and arched.
She left them there for a minute until somehow she knew I was on the verge of coming and then she dropped them both back down to the gentle hum, it wasn’t a ruin, more like an edge and I was left extremely horny and couldn’t sit still after that.
My legs were bound to a degree but I could still sort of rub them against each other in an attempt to create a sensation between my legs which I did but completely in vain as the “almost orgasm” faded away and I was just left squirming for the next hour and a half as she randomly adjusted the power of the vibrations in my holes. Sometimes they would come up together, sometimes just one or the other and sometimes alternating between the two but always just long enough to get me close but not over the edge.
I don’t really know how to describe how it feels to be tortured with pleasure, or the promise of pleasure for so long. It’s a sort of desperation, she’d forced an orgasm to be the entire focus of my being but denied it me for over an hour. Then one time when she had both vibes on full and then slowly began to back them off again I felt genuine despair and said “No! PLEASE!” despite myself.
Mistress immediately got up and slowly walked around the pool to me whilst still slowly reducing the power in the vibes. When she reached me I was blushing, I hate it when I can’t control myself like that, I love being her obedient pet and begging her to let me come is definitely not obedient but,technically, it worked.
She looked down at me and said “Please what?” to which I just sort of stared up at her, in my defence my mind was completely fuzzy! After a few seconds it obviously became clear to her I wasn’t going to respond so she shrugged and said “OK” then used her phone to turn the vibes back on to full.
As my orgasm built quickly back up I watched her walk to the stairs, up them and out of my view just before that gorgeous warm relief flooded my body and I moaned probably much louder than I should have outdoors.
The thing is though, the vibrations didn’t stop, or abate, or give me any time to recover and my orgasm quickly joined into a second and then third and with Mistress nowhere to be seen the tsunami of sensation overwhelmed me pushing coherent thought from my mind as I writhed on the sun lounger for another twenty minutes until thankfully the batteries ran out of the plug and then shortly after the vibrator.
As it turned out Mistress had been on the balcony filming me the whole time and returned to hold me. My whole body was shaking, almost shivering and I was coated in sweat as well as whatever had leaked out of me whilst I was having a years worth of orgasms.
Eventually I recovered enough to form a normal thought and thanked Mistress for….well, all of it and then we took a swim together whilst the vibes recharged.
I have more to write about from holiday, this isn’t even the really good part yet but it has ended up quite long so I’ll leave this post here and move straight on to the next one, more to come soon x
I’m so out of practice writing that I feel like this is going to end up being a terrible post, which isn’t great for my first one in a while so I’ll apologise now and get it out of the way, sorry!
Tons has happened since I last wrote properly which was July I think, that’s probably why the stats on here are so bad! I went on holiday, I decided to build an erotic fiction website, we moved into the new house, we set a date for the wedding and booked a venue….it’s a lot, I’ve been busy so maybe you’ll forgive the hiatus from posting.
As per the first paragraph… This was intended to be one big post starting with all the “boring” stuff of what I’ve been up to whilst I’ve not been posting and then going on to talk about all the fun stuff we got up to on holiday. However I’m struggling to write the second part and effectively express it so I’m going to post this part and then next week you’ll get the juices sexy stuff.
So yeah, we finally completed on the sale of Mistresses house and the purchase of our new home together. Despite my being a solicitor it has been quite a prolonged and stressful thing and I’m so glad it is over and we’re finally in.
The house is a mess though, we knew it needed work but somewhere in between deciding to buy the place and moving in we seemed to forget how much work it really needed. So far we’ve had two rooms decorated though, the lounge and our bedroom and they both look gorgeous. We’ve had someone come in a look at making the basement into a proper liveable room and that plan is on the back burner for the moment, it’s going to be a huge job just to get it to a point that we can begin making it into a dungeon, the toys will have to stay in the toy chest for the time being.
The other news, we went to see a venue for the wedding and we both absolutely fell in love with it so we have booked it. It’s an outdoor venue which is a risk with the weather in the UK but it’s too beautiful a place not to do it there. We’ll be getting married in June 2019, which means we have a ton of stuff to organise before then. We started putting a guest list together and it’s already out of hand!
Amidst all of this I decided to set up a new website! Mistress said I was crazy to even attempt this but when, whilst on holiday, I discovered that a website that I frequented since I got into the bdsm scene has fallen into abandonment I was upset enough at it’s loss to want to do something about it. At first I tried to contact the owner of the site to see if they wanted to sell the site to me but, like everyone else who tried, I got no response. Then I tried posting in the forums and like I mentioned before that got me a lifetime ban so I gave up on that idea.
Instead, whilst still in Portugal, I registered www.thefetlibrary.com and got to work when I got home. I learn some basic web coding skills a long time ago but they were rustier than my first pair of handcuffs so I had to watch some training videos and stumble my way through making the basic site. Eventually I recruited my sister’s boyfriend who is a professional software developer and he helped write some of the more complex stuff and later, fix all the mistakes I made that caused the site to come down last weekend!
So the site is up and people are using it, go and enjoy the content and see what you think. There is a forum there now too which I’m hoping people will use www.thefetlibrary.cafe and will grow into a thriving bdsm community. If you haven’t taken a look please do so, read stories, sign up to the forums and join the conversations or start one, post the link to the library wherever you can and get the word out. Thank you.
I promise next weeks post will be worth the read x
I tend to write posts about my general life or about specific sessions or scenes that Mistress and I have but today I thought I’d write about a few different, smaller things that Mistress does just to torment me, just because it’s fun.
Once or twice a month Miss has to travel for work, it’s only usually for one night, sort of midday until the next afternoon depending on where she is going, usually a European city. One time she decided that I should stay in the house while she was away and she decided to ensure that I would do so.
About ten minutes before her car picked up her up she produced my locking butt plug, two padlocks and a very long length of metal chain. She took me to the post at the bottom of the stairs and had me pass one end of the chain around it and lock it together with one of the padlocks. Then she had me bend over on the stairs and after using my pussy to lube up the plug she pushed it into me.
A couple of side notes here, firstly my pussy is almost always wet and is nearly the sole source of lubricant for us. Secondly, even closed this plug is quite big and is painful to take, when opened up it feels like you have a football in your ass!
After opening the plug she put the lock onto it and attached the other end of the chain to it and so I was attached by a fifteen metre chain to the post at the bottom of the stairs. There was no discussion about it and I knew better than to question or plead with Miss about it, ten minutes later she was gone.
This wasn’t a major torture although having something that large and heavy in your ass for a long time is quite distracting, it was more of an inconvenience having to trail the chain around with me whenever I wanted to move around the house and sitting in my office chair was a bit uncomfortable but I did have several video meetings whilst I was chained.
That was a fairly mild version of this. Another time is was much more challenging when I was attached in the same way but with a much shorter chain. My wrists were cuffed and attached to a chain that went between my legs and also attached to the plug. I could really move from the bottom of the stairs for just under forty-eight hours.
I was left with a large bowl of water which was too big to lift with my bound hands so I could only lap at the water, a metal dog bowl and a few cans of dog food and a PAYG mobile phone because she wanted to be able to talk to me but not for me to sit there on youtube or tumblr.
It was a bit uncomfortable and the dog food was disgusting but other than that it was just really boring! The highlights were when she called a few times, when the post man came and I got to read the mail and when the paper she had arranged to be delivered arrived, although it was The Sun (a terrible tabloid) which she found the most hilarious part!
Although I am quite a healthy person in that I do plenty of exercise I’m not so good at looking after myself in terms of what I eat and drink, although it has improved since I started cooking for Miss Fiona because she likes to eat healthy and I eat what she wants.
Anyway, to help with this Mistress started to leave me a bottle out in the morning with real, not from concentrate!, fruit juice in it and there was an unspoken understanding that I should ensure it was finished before the end of work, one of my five a day!
This was fine for a couple of months until one day I was in the office and took a drink of my “apple juice”, it was not apple juice and in my surprise I almost spat it out onto my desk. Morning pee is not quite as sweet and tasty as apple juice.
Just like before, nothing was mentioned about this, my bottle was empty when I got home and the next day I had some pineapple juice in it. This happens every now and again, sometimes it is subtle and I hardly notice it, my mango juice is just a bit “off” that day due to Mistresses added ingredient.
About three weeks ago I had a long day of meetings including two with clients and one with the partners of my firm. I had complained to Mistress the evening before that it was going to be a very long and boring day.
Mistress needed to be at work early that day so she left whilst I was still in the shower and it was only after I’d get dried and done my makeup that I went to my underwear drawer and found it empty apart from a pair of latex dildo panties.
The dildo was pretty huge and gave me a very full feeling once I was wearing them. I put on my suit and looked completely normal apart from the blush in my cheeks. I had to practice walking in them for a little while so that I looked completely normal and then I went on with my boring day with my pussy full of rubber.
When I got home I was immensely horny, when the panties came off they had a pool of juices in them and Mistress immediately had me kneel and spread my legs for her. Her fingers felt amazing on my puffy swollen pussy and I actually believed I would get relief right up until she ruined my orgasm and I was left panting and moaning and horny.
The final thing I wanted to recount is when Mistress announced recently that she had booked me a spa treatment as a surprise for “being such a good girl”. I’m not a little but it does give me a lovely feeling when she speaks to me like that.
I arrived at the appointment ready for a massage or a facial and happily announced my name to the receptionist. She replied with a slightly odd smile and said “Oh yes, for the intimate peel?”, my eyes narrowed as thoughts of what that could mean swirled through my mind and I nodded.
There was a consultation first where the woman explained the procedure to me and then she left while I got undressed from the waist down and hopped up onto the table on all fours.
It was somehow even worse than being in this situation in a sexual context, she spread my ass cheeks and applied an ointment all around my ass hole then told me to stay put for ten minutes and then she would come back and “clean me up”, it was mortifying!
Anyway, that is all just some of the random stuff that goes on in my day-to-day life and I must admit I do love it. I love the unexpectedness of it and feeling of being controlled that she keeps present in me even when doing random mundane tasks. She is truly an evil genius of a dominant.
A few years ago I saw a video of a wasp being held between some plastic tweezers and then being pushed against a girls clit. It was a close up shot that didn’t show anything except her pussy but you could hear her screams as the little fucker stung her clit, actually leaving it’s sting in her.
Watching this made me so wet, I’ve been stung by a wasp before and I know how much it hurts, not just at the time but for hours afterwards as the initial burning sting turns into a dull ache that last for ages. And that was just on my hand.
The other day, Friday, I was reminded of this video whilst discussing other things with someone on Tumblr. The discussion had veered towards a subject that I used to enjoy and practice when I was single, ways to implement torture that is “automated”.
When I used to do a lot of self bondage all of the ideas and stories I read had a strong focus on safety and making sure you had a way out of the predicament if you needed it. I completely understand the reasons for that and if someone ask me for advice I would probably say the same thing but for me the best self bondage scenes were when I didn’t have a way out or any way to prevent the things happening to me until the scenario had played itself out.
My main tool for achieving this was a my timer locking padlocks, sadly both now broken, and a plastic timer locking box that was actually intended for locking your chocolate chip cookies away and I got off Amazon.
Some of the things I did were definitely not advisable but I like to play on the edge of advisable! An example is one time when I restrained myself in a dog cage having secured the business end of a curling iron inside my pussy. Once I was tied up I couldn’t escape, the keys to the locks that held me were in the lock box and wouldn’t be available for a few hours, I was living alone and in an upstairs room where no one could see in so I was 100% at the mercy of the timer box (this is when you wonder if you should have changed the batteries first!).
I wasn’t completely reckless, I’d tested how long the curling iron took to heat up to wear I could still hold it in my hand and then how long it took to cool down again. A scheduled plug socket (also from Amazon) was then programmed (and thoroughly tested!) to turn the curling iron on for that specific length of time before turning back off to cool down, and repeat.
My pussy, being obviously much more sensitive than my hand, felt like it was cooked from the inside out every time the curling irons heat built up inside me going from a little warmth, to hot to almost unbearable just before the clicked off. There was a noticeable drop in the sensation as soon as the heat source was removed but they then cooled down slowly only to click back on.
By the end of the four hours that I’d set the timer for I’d shed several tears and was desperate to get them out of me. My pussy was raw and sore for days and it was still painful when I was fucked over a week later, not that I let on.
All that is an aside to demonstrate my deep interest in tortures that can’t be undone once they are applied, things that can’t be relieved by begging, pleading and empathetic dominant or even a safe word. Other examples are saline injections, chilli on sensitive parts etc. I love the feeling that what is happening to me is inescapable and no matter how much I want it to stop it isn’t going to and I’ll just have to take it.
So anyway, this is how I got on to talking about the wasp stinging video and my idea for a way to do it. This was initially a self bondage idea but as that is no longer necessary for me it played out a little differently.
First of all Mistress had me take a shower after work and then she came in and cleaned me thoroughly. She washed my hair for me and then ran a soapy shower puff all over my skin, over my pussy and up between my ass cheeks ensuring every part of my skin was clean before using a shower douche attachment to ensure both of my holes were just as clean. It was very intimate and humiliating and got us both in the mood to play.
Whilst she showered I dried my body and hair, put on some cuffs and then minimal makeup and was kneeling by the bed when she came in to get herself ready. She dressed in some skinny jeans and just a bra and tied her hair back still wet, no makeup, she looked stunning.
After pulling me up onto the bed she laid me on my back and straddled me whilst she lent forward to attach my cuffs to the bed posts then slid off and pulled my legs down so my arms were taught. I laughed, because it tickles a bit when my arms are stretched too far, she just smiled and said “You won’t be laughing in a minute sweety” and I felt a warm flush run through my body. It’s amazing the effect she can elicit with just a few words!
She retrieved some larger cuffs and strapped them tightly around my upper thighs and then clipped my ankle cuffs to them to put my legs in a frog position and then used ropes to attach the thigh cuffs to the bed slats just above where my waist was. The effect being that my legs were spread wide and pulled up so that I was completely immobile and my pussy was totally exposed. It is such a vulnerable position to be in and it invokes delicious feelings inside me waiting and wondering what she will do to me next.
As it turns out she strapped a ball gag into my mouth (which she probably should have done before I was completely immobile and unable to lift my head, just saying) and then left me there for a couple of minutes returning with the small glass that I had trapped a wasp with an hour earlier, she held a piece of paper over the top of it and then flipped it over before placing it on my stomach and saying “Don’t lose him” before disappearing again.
I watched the wasp sitting happily enough in the glass whilst trying not to move and tip the glass over. I’m not scared of wasps but I don’t really like them, I think they are aggressive and will sting you for no real reason other than they want to. Mistress returned with a flogger and without any ceremony began to flog my tits.
The flogger is heavy and after a few of the stronger strikes begins to grow in sensation, my whole body begins to warm and I involuntarily pull at my wrist cuffs but I’m going nowhere. My helplessness feels amazing and I bask in the masochistic high as my tits redden and burn under her attention.
I’m breathing heavily when the flogging ends, I realise I’ve been pushing my breasts out and I know I am wet but she runs her fingers along my pussy and shows me the wetness anyway. She likes to remind me how much I love being at her mercy and being treated this way. Amazingly the glass is still upright on my stomach with the wasp just chilling out.
Mistress holds up the clit pump, it’s a little glass tube with a plastic connector on one end, a removable tube attaches to that and has a little hand pump on the other end. She pulls my lips apart and finds the perfect spot for the tube, squeezing the handle a little to pull my clit and its surround flesh into the tube just enough to hold it in place. A couple more pumps on the handle is all it takes to pull my clit into the tube and the weird intense feeling of having your clit force-ably engorged start.
She let me experience the sensation for a minute or two and then released the vacuum and pulled the tube off me with a slight pop. I know you’re thinking my clit was now swollen up to the size of a brussels sprout but it doesn’t quite work like that, after only a couple of minutes of being pumped it just goes back to its usual size, albeit more sensitive and maybe a little swollen.
I watched intently as Mistress first tried to tip the wasp into the suction cup, then jiggle it in and eventually use the piece of paper to knock it in which seemed to wake it up a little. She held the paper over the end until it settled about half way up the tube.
Very gently she then placed the tube back over my clit and pumped it a little to get it to stay in place. I held my breath when she did this but the wasp didn’t move at all until she gave the handle another faster pump, then it sort of buzzed around a little and landed back where it was. My clit had been sucked a little into the tube now and the wasp was about a centimetre from it.
She was being gentle so as not to suck the wasp into the vacuum mechanism (or whatever) so she gave it another little squeeze pulling my clit closer to the black and yellow little beast but it still didn’t move.
Mistress decided to try a different approach and fired up a little bullet vibe and touched the tube with it, several things happened at once. The vibrations shot through the tube and through my clit, it was intense and I gasped into my gag but then a crazily intense searing pain burned into my clit and my eyes flew open.
She later told me that the wasp immediately took flight when she touched the tube with the vibrator and tried to land on the other side but then flew straight onto my swollen clit, landed and stung it.
You know when something hurts you scream and shout and swear but when something really hurts you can’t even make a sound? It was like that, my whole body tensed and every limb pulled on it’s bonds trying to get to my pussy but Mistress is good at bondage. The pain was so very very intense and just seemed relentless.
Mistress said that she only realised it had sting me because of my violent reaction but then she looked closely and could see it’s sting embedded in my clit and it just kept it there rather than retracting it.
I’m speculating here but I think what happens when you get stung normally is that you swat at the area and the wasp makes a run for it, either retracting their sting or losing it in the escape attempt. This means that the sting only delivers a small percentage of the venom it is capable of. I don’t know if this was a particularly evil wasp, was pissed off at being put in this position or what but it just sat there delivering more and more venom into the most sensitive part of my body and it was excruciating!
After more than a minute of my writing and pulling at bonds Mistress pressed the release button and pulled the tube off, the wasp immediately flew away but it didn’t stop the burning, stinging sensation that was permeating my now quite swollen clit. She wasted no time, she had the magic wand ready and it went straight on to the little bud of fire.
Now I was screaming! I can’t explain the intense sensation of it, it was so unbelievably intense pain and pleasure all bundled up. At first I just wanted it to stop and was shaking my head and pleading with her to stop but then that gave way to something else. It was still agony but at the same time an orgasm was building, I could feel it starting just under the burning pain and as she slipped her fingers inside my very wet and very hot hole my head stopped shaking and my protests waned.
My arms and legs were untied from the bed but left in their frog position before Miss climbed on top of me once again, this time without jeans and as my own swollen and burning clit throbbed I sucked on hers until she came on my face.
It was difficult to sleep that night, the pain didn’t subside much for hours and even the next evening it was still sore and aching but there was nothing to do except endure the pain. Mistress has already told me that she wants to do this again and has a plan to “enhance” the strength of the sting, I really do not think it needs enhancing but she didn’t ask for my opinion!