What it means

Someone asked me recently what submission means to me and I have my usual answer of ”it’s just the way I am, it’s my natural state”. I sometimes go into more detail about how I struggled with it for a long time and just wanted to be a “normal” girl and all of that stuff I’ve talked about on here before but it’s been a while since I’ve actually thought about this, what it means to me to be a submissive.

Even after putting some more thought into it my stock answer still holds up for the most part. Like being gay, straight, trans, non-binary, etc, etc, etc being submissive isn’t a choice, or I don’t believe it is anyway. I believe it is something that is hard wired into you and it was certainly that way for me, trust me when I say I made great efforts to escape it and, happily, failed.

What I haven’t often talked about and I don’t recall ever writing about on my blog is how the act of submitting feels in the moment. It’s a feeling that I genuinely live for and the reason that all those escape attempts failed, like a heroin addict coming back for that amazing high I am a submission addict.

If you think about it, and I mean really think about it, do you ever let your body entirely relax except for when you are unconscious? I don’t know a great deal about the biology of the human body beyond owning one (I also own a car and know nothing about those!) but I don’t think there is any time in my vanilla life where I am not in some way tensing parts of my body in order to sit a certain way, stand a certain way, walk a certain way. Even when relaxing on a sofa there is still tension in your body, I think that is how all bodies work?

There are occasions in my vanilla life where I have consciously made an effort to let all tension out of my body while lying down and just let it be and it feels really good to do that, but nothing compared with how I feel when I physically submit to another person

In that moment when I have ceded control to the other I feel a sense of peace and relaxation that I’ve never felt in any other situation. Actually now I think about it there is a small element of the same thing when I’m getting my hair cut, getting a piercing or tattoo or going for a doctors appointment where they need to touch you. I guess it’s related to giving control of yourself to them even if, like with the examples above, in a non-sexual way.

When it is in a more intimate setting though the sensations are multiplied dramatically. Standing before Fiona having no idea what she is going to do with me but also knowing she can do whatever she wants with me is such a hard to describe but heady feeling, it puts me in a sort of trance state where all of my senses are heightened and enhanced and all tension bleeds from my body.

The difference between a session when I feel this and one where I don’t is black and white, night and day. This is by no means a feeling I’ve had during every D/s encounter in my life and there have been plenty of sessions with Dominants in the past that I have thoroughly enjoyed without feeling it, but none of them beat the times that I did.

It is a feeling of intense care free well being and contentment and when I feel it I never want to stop feeling it, which of course I always did after the session but with Mistress it is different. The feeling is always there with her, not like it is in an intimate moment but every time I am with her, get a call or message from her or even just think about her I immediately feel it and that is the best thing in the world to me and why I know she is the one for me. My mind are hers at a subconscious level so it only makes sense for me to give my body to her at a conscious one.

What does submission mean to me? Everything

This is kind of rambling post where I’ve just vomited out the thoughts I’ve been having on the subject so apologies for that but I thought maybe you’d find it interesting. I’d very much enjoy any comments from other submissives if they feel something similar and from Dominants or Switches on whether they have an equivalent. I think it would be an interesting conversation.

Speaking of conversation my other site The Fet Library now has a free Discord server where people chat about stories and kink and Halo (😊)! If you’d like to join in just click this link, I’m trying to build a little community of like minded people there x

Pride

For much of my youth I was extremely sure about my sexuality, while I held no prejudice against any other sexuality I considered myself to be completely straight right up until I was confronted with the fact, or rather that I acknowledged the fact, that I wasn’t.

In the very first post on this blog, which is actually a post from 2006 that I recovered from a previous (now deleted) blog, I talk about how I am straight but that I like playing with Dominant women because I find it humiliating to be used by another woman. By the next recovered post from 2008 I was coming to the end of my first real D/s relationship with a woman.

The years in between, my early twenties, were very confusing for me as I began to look more deeply at myself and tried to better understand the things I was feeling. The fact I enjoyed the sexual activity I had with non-females but that there was no emotional connection for me, the exact opposite to the narrative I had always written for myself. I began to understand how I naturally separate the physical and emotional elements of sex and most of all began to really understand and accept that I was different.

At the time I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about this and my blog was really an amazing resource for me to pour out my feelings and thoughts and to get feedback from likeminded people, I had nothing like that in my real life not least because I was (and still am to a degree) very private about this side of my life.

There have been times in my life when I have been suicidal just because I am who I am and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. I think it is wonderful that things like Pride month exist now and that people of all gender identities and sexualities can be more open about who they are and be accepted, I hope this move towards openness and acceptance continues and grows.

It’s because of the changes in the world, as well as the support of a loving partner, that I was able to come out to my family and friends that I am queer, something that I never thought I’d be able to do. And even go as far as to reveal the true nature of mine and Fiona’s relationship to my sister and some close friends.

It took a long time but I am genuinely proud of who I am, how I choose to live my life and who I choose to share it with so I thought this would be a good post to write during Pride Month.

In other happy news, I’ve managed to retrieve my domain and get my blog back to where it’s supposed to be!

All the Holes

There are a number of holes in my body beyond the obvious three so I thought I’d write about them all and how my Mistress sees fit to put them to good use! I’ll start with the ones I was born with and then talk about the after market ones that Fi decided my body needed.

Beyond my dietary and communication needs my mouth is there to service Mistress however she wants, I’ve used it to give her direct pleasure on pretty much every inch of her body at one time or another, some more than others! She also uses it to clean up messes and spills as well as her personal toilet when the mood takes her. I remember one time she spilt a load of soy sauce on the floor and had me clean it up “manually”. I hadn’t cleaned the floor in a few days and it was horrible to lick up pure soy anyway, I really did not enjoy that! Mistress is also not shy about using my extensive oral skills on other people either as I’ve written about before.

My pussy is used for pleasure, either mine or somebody else’s and it does it fairly well even if I do say so myself! It’s had a multitude of different things pushed into it, whether its a strap-on, a dildo, a vibe, a vegetable, a flesh and blood cock or something more adventurous it’s probably been in my pussy and someone has got some enjoyment out of it. Similarly my ass has been well used over the years and has had various items introduced to it, most notably a 52cm long toy which I managed (eventually) to take fully inside me.

So on to the holes that I wasn’t born with but Mistress decided I should have anyway. Actually, the first wasn’t Mistress at all, both my ears are pierced but I had those done myself a long time ago. They’ve never been used for play and while I don’t always wear earrings in them I do fairly regularly.

Then there is my septum, I’ve had this pierced for a few years now and most of the time I wear a simple clear acrylic retainer in it which is completely invisible when turned upwards. The only time something else is in it is when Mistress decides to “use” it which makes it very much a practical thing that Mistress wanted to have done to me. Over the first year she increased the size of the hole to 6g (about 4mm) which was big enough for anything she wanted to do with it. She has different sized rings that she will put in the piercing, from one that is tight around my nose to one that hangs to the bottom of my chin. She also has a dog leash that she often clips into it so she can lead me around and “control me”, also on more than one occasion she has attached me to an object or another person with a padlock through it. I’ve spent time with my septum piercing locked to both the clit hood and cock head piercings of complete strangers.

My nipples were modified and pierced by mutual agreement although by the time it was done my agreement was most certainly not needed. For those that don’t already know my nipples have been tattooed around my areola in the same colour to make them into a heart shape, there are photos of this on other posts. My nipples were also pierced and those piercings have now been stretched to 10g (about 3mm) and contain rings that, when closed using a special “key” that Mistress holds, cannot be opened. They look like a continuous metal ring and we really like them, plus they are useful for Mistress to hang things from or use in bondage (now they are fully healed and can take some abuse) and have the added bonus that my nipples are hard and sensitive 100% of the time!

And for right now, that is it! As people who’ve been reading longer will know I did at one point have a clit piercing that ended up getting torn and I have had various temporary holes put in my pussy lips, tits and tongue but they were all allowed to heal up so that they could get new holes put in them another time!

The big day approaches

It has been some time indeed since I have written here, there are lots of reasons for that none of which are all that interesting really, the overriding one being a lack of free time and if I’m completely honest my drive to continue with the blog has waned somewhat.

Things in my life have progressed at quite a blistering pace since I met Fiona, the events of which you are all familiar with as my writing was quite prolific at the time. Since then I have a new home which I share with my beautiful Mistress, a new job ,a closer relationship to my family than ever before and on Saturday I will become Fiona’s wife, and her mine.

I almost wrote that this is the end of a long road to happiness but it is actually the start of a long road of happiness that I can’t wait to start down. I know this is a bit soppy and not really what this blog has been about but I think that is a reflection of where I am at now.

I started this blog, way back in 2006 (omg!) as a way to express a part of myself that, at the time, I kept hidden from pretty much everyone who knew me properly and only indulged with elicit activities and affairs. Later I documented my various relationships, the ups and the downs and I feel like I took a lot of you with me on the journey to where I am now.

Where I am now is the happiest I have ever been, I can be openly me, the submissive masochistic girl from London to my sister, all of our scene friends (of which I now have many) and even to some of my more open minded vanilla friends. I’ve made peace with past demons including some that I’d buried very deep inside myself. Fiona has moulded me into the person she wants me to be, but also into the person I want to be and I’ll never be able to express how grateful I am to her for that.

In January of last year, 2018, Mistress set me some goals to complete and at the beginning of this year I promised an update on those, so here goes:

Submit to a permanent body modification of my choosing

This was completed and then some! Miss had my nipples tattooed with hearts around them and pierced my septum. I also have a tattoo on my lower abdomen which is a heart which incorporates an F and finally I now have a Christina piecing.

Spend four weeks in chastity

This one unfortunately never happened, however this was more down to Mistress than me and she freely admitted as much and gave me a pass on it.

Contact and make peace with the person who caused her to leave London

This absolutely happened and I did write about it. This one has actually had quite a profound effect on my life and I have become, not friends but friendly with the person in question and she actually comes to me for advice quite often.

Give an orgasm to 52 people that she hadn’t met before 2018

The final tally was:

• 34 men
  • 16 oral
  • 9 vaginal
  • 8 anal
  • 1 hand
• 20 women
  • 17 oral
  • 2 fingers
  • 1 dildo gag
• 3 trans
  • 1 oral, anal & vaginal
  • 1 vaginal
  • 1 anal

Speak to her mother every other day

I didn’t literally speak to her every day but I did keep a note of when I did and I surpassed called her on 50% of the days of the year which was good enough for Mistress. And my relationship with my mother has never been better.

Achieve an average daily views count of 500 on this blog

In 2018 I got 138,266 views on my blog, which is a staggering 52,747 more than the previous highest year I have had but still way below what was needed to achieve 500 views per day.

Buy a new house with me (Mistress)

This absolutely happened and we have spent the last few months turning it into a home, our home and we are loving it. Work on the dungeon begins in a few months.

Have her septum pierced

This happened, I now have a permanent hole in my septum, sometimes Mistress has me wear a ring in it, sometimes she uses it to attach a least, sometimes she puts a padlock in it and sometimes, she has that padlock attached to something or someone else!

Experience Domming a submissive

This didn’t really happen, it sort of did in that I tried it but it was highly unsuccessful and Mistress allowed me to stop before it got to cringy. It did give me a better understanding of what it is like to be the “top” in this sort of relationship though, I didn’t like it!

Achieve two of her fantasies

This was completed, I spent a weekend with a trans person and also recreated a scene from torture galaxy where my nipples were nailed to a wooden board and then skewers were pushed through my tits, then more skewers were pushed vertically through my pussy lips and electrified.

Fully expose her lifestyle to at least one person who has known her in real life for more than five years

There are actually two of my vanilla friends who are aware of how I live my life and the full extent of my relationship with Mistress. They don’t know any gory details but they know I am submissive, am a masochist and am controlled in certain ways my my partner. It hasn’t affected my relationship with them one bit.

Exceed her current “most painful torture”

This tied in with the Torture Galaxy scene, having skewers vertically through my pussy lips was absolute agony, much worse that through my tits which I’d had done before albeit a long time ago.

All in all I think I did a good job with those goals in 2018, I didn’t achieve them all but I did most and learn something from each and every one of them which Mistress said was the aim of them in the first place so she had no complaints on my performance. Although that didn’t mean I didn’t get punished for each one I failed on which made for a fun New Years Eve!

Something else that I have put quite a lot of work into it The Fet Library which is my fetish erotic story site. The site has been steadily growing in weekly visitors and I even paid for a little advertising to test the waters (didn’t seem to make much difference to visitor numbers to be honest). There are forums there and the site now has a twitter account where it will post details of new stories as they are published. Please check it out, register and enjoy. I’d love it if more people started using the forums there.

So, his will likely not be the last time I post something on this blog but this is the end of me posting about my kink related activities. I feel like I have given a lot of myself here and it is time to focus on just living my new life with my new wife (her look at that I’m a pet and didn’t know it!) so that is what I am going to do. If I have anything interesting to talk about I might drop in an post something but for now this is it.

If you want to get in touch with me the best way is probably through FetLife (painslutlois) which I log onto at least once a week but please don’t just friend me without saying hello first as I won’t reply.

Thank you so much to everyone who has kept coming back to read my poorly spelled posts and interacted with me over the years. This blog and by extension you guys have saved me and kept me going so many times when I was struggling with myself, life and everything really and I will be eternally grateful for that. I wish you all well for the future and hope to speak with you on FetLife or The Fet Library soon.

Wish me luck for Saturday!

Lo x

Back to it

I’m so out of practice writing that I feel like this is going to end up being a terrible post, which isn’t great for my first one in a while so I’ll apologise now and get it out of the way, sorry!

Tons has happened since I last wrote properly which was July I think, that’s probably why the stats on here are so bad! I went on holiday, I decided to build an erotic fiction website, we moved into the new house, we set a date for the wedding and booked a venue….it’s a lot, I’ve been busy so maybe you’ll forgive the hiatus from posting.

As per the first paragraph… This was intended to be one big post starting with all the “boring” stuff of what I’ve been up to whilst I’ve not been posting and then going on to talk about all the fun stuff we got up to on holiday. However I’m struggling to write the second part and effectively express it so I’m going to post this part and then next week you’ll get the juices sexy stuff.

So yeah, we finally completed on the sale of Mistresses house and the purchase of our new home together. Despite my being a solicitor it has been quite a prolonged and stressful thing and I’m so glad it is over and we’re finally in.

The house is a mess though, we knew it needed work but somewhere in between deciding to buy the place and moving in we seemed to forget how much work it really needed. So far we’ve had two rooms decorated though, the lounge and our bedroom and they both look gorgeous. We’ve had someone come in a look at making the basement into a proper liveable room and that plan is on the back burner for the moment, it’s going to be a huge job just to get it to a point that we can begin making it into a dungeon, the toys will have to stay in the toy chest for the time being.

The other news, we went to see a venue for the wedding and we both absolutely fell in love with it so we have booked it. It’s an outdoor venue which is a risk with the weather in the UK but it’s too beautiful a place not to do it there. We’ll be getting married in June 2019, which means we have a ton of stuff to organise before then. We started putting a guest list together and it’s already out of hand!

Amidst all of this I decided to set up a new website! Mistress said I was crazy to even attempt this but when, whilst on holiday, I discovered that a website that I frequented since I got into the bdsm scene has fallen into abandonment I was upset enough at it’s loss to want to do something about it. At first I tried to contact the owner of the site to see if they wanted to sell the site to me but, like everyone else who tried, I got no response. Then I tried posting in the forums and like I mentioned before that got me a lifetime ban so I gave up on that idea.

Instead, whilst still in Portugal, I registered www.thefetlibrary.com and got to work when I got home. I learn some basic web coding skills a long time ago but they were rustier than my first pair of handcuffs so I had to watch some training videos and stumble my way through making the basic site. Eventually I recruited my sister’s boyfriend who is a professional software developer and he helped write some of the more complex stuff and later, fix all the mistakes I made that caused the site to come down last weekend!

So the site is up and people are using it, go and enjoy the content and see what you think. There is a forum there now too which I’m hoping people will use www.thefetlibrary.cafe and will grow into a thriving bdsm community. If you haven’t taken a look please do so, read stories, sign up to the forums and join the conversations or start one, post the link to the library wherever you can and get the word out. Thank you.

I promise next weeks post will be worth the read x

Six months

We are six months into 2018 already, where did that go? It’s been a fairly busy year for me so far though so I thought I would catch you up on the progress of the goals I was set at the beginning of the year.

However before I do that, a few people have mentioned to me that although they enjoy reading about the various goings on in my life they miss the more graphic and sexually oriented posts that used to be more common on here.

I understand, I know you want that stuff but there are two problems. Firstly I have been pretty much posting every week for this whole year which is a massive upswing on previous years. The problem with posting that much is I need to find things to write about and there just aren’t enough sessions to fill up all those posts. Which brings me on to the second problem which is that we haven’t had many proper sessions at all lately due to all sorts of other things that are going on in our lives.

The most interesting thing (from your point of view) that we have done is test out Mistresses new “cane”. Which is actually a very thin but sturdy metal bar that she decided would be good to use as a cane. The thing about canes rather than something like a panel is that they have very little surface area so if you swing a cane and a paddle with the same force the paddle will slow down as it catches the air much more than a cane. Also the force of the impact is spread over the surface of the paddle which is larger than the canes, all of which means the cane hurts more and leaves more of a mark, in my experience.

This metal cane is nasty! Mistress gave me thirty swats in groups of five and after the first I was struggling to hold my position. It’s a really stingy feeling when it hits which isn’t my favourite feeling from an impact toy, it borders on non-fun pain which is why this particular cane is going to be reserved for punishments, or so I’m told.

So, yes I understand you want more of that stuff and I have a couple of ideas of things I can resurrect from the past and write about, the “dogging week” for example, and also Mistress and I intend to do some playing soon which I will also write about, although at the moment it’s just too damn hot for those shenanigans!

In the meantime, my goals update:

Submit to a permanent body modification of my choosing.

This is absolutely complete now. My nipples have been transformed into beautiful little hearts via tattoos around them the same colour as my nipples, and I am so happy with how they turned out. Also, my septum has now been pierced and it currently healing up nicely. We have replaced the ring that I was wearing turned up into my nose with a small plastic thing which is stretching the hole a little wider whilst staying invisible to anyone who sees me.

Spend four weeks in chastity.

This is still pending but is definitely going to happen and I’m not looking forward to it at all. There won’t be a belt or anything, just a complete lack of any sexual contact from anyone. At least it will be a break from the daily ruined orgasms I suppose!

Contact and make peace with the person who caused her to leave London.

This has now happened and I have to say I do feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. It’s weird because I didn’t really think about it anymore and it didn’t affect me on a day-to-day basis but I do feel…I don’t know, freer.

Give an orgasm to 52 people that she hadn’t met before 2018.

This is still on target and I should easily do it by the end of the year as the current count is 38 which is composed of:

• 21 men
  • 11 oral
  • 4 vaginal
  • 5 anal
  • 1 hand
• 16 women
  • 13 oral
  • 2 fingers
  • 1 dildo gag
• 1 trans
  • 1 oral, anal & vaginal

Speak to her mother every other day.

Not an exciting one but I know it has had a positive effect on my mother. My sister has also started calling her on the days in between so she never goes a day without speaking to one of us. It can feel like a chore at times but once I’m speaking to her I know it is worth it.

FYI, she wants to organise the whole wedding!

Achieve an average daily views count of 500 on this blog.

This is proving a real challenge and I don’t know if I’ll be able to achieve it. At half way through the year I’ve just beat 2017’s total views (which was by far my best year until now) but I’m still coming out at an average of 483 views per day currently. Bearing in mind that 2017’s average was 234 a day that’s still pretty good, just not good enough.

Buy a new house with me (Mistress).

This is happening, it’s a long process with lots of external factors but it all seems to be going through. The house we found is perfect, or at least it will be once we gut half of it, rebuild, redecorate and then build a proper room in the basement to deck out as a dungeon/play room. We expect to have the keys in the next couple of months.

Have her septum pierced.

Done, as I mentioned before the piercing is done and healing and already being stretched in preparation to take a sort of flesh tunnel thing. We are talking to someone about making that permanent, so at least very tight-fitting so if you were to look directly up my nose (why you’d want to I’m not sure) it would look sort of integrated into my nose and won’t move around. Once that’s done Miss will be able to thread whatever she wants through it, padlock, leash etc.

Experience Domming a submissive.

This still hasn’t really got off the ground although I know Mistress is going to force the issue at some point, Miss Hannah has already suggested that she can give me some pointers so I know it is being discussed between Mistress and her Dominant friends.

Achieve two of her fantasies.

This is half done, I have completed a weekend with a trans person and will write about that soon. The other one that WILL be completed this year is to have a Torture Galaxy scene recreated on me. If you aren’t familiar with their work you should check it out, it is very extreme. If you want to suggest one of their scenes in the comments Miss will take opinions into account when deciding which one to undertake.

Fully expose her lifestyle to at least one person who has known her in real life for more than five years.

I’ve not got anywhere with this one, I sort of have a person in mind and have begun to express somewhat more liberal views on sex and sexuality when talking to them in recent weeks but I’ve not even broached the concept of BDSM to them, I’ll keep you informed!

Exceed her current “most painful torture”.

This, I have no doubt, will be achieved in the torture galaxy scene which promises to be brutal and extreme. As depicted to the right he doesn’t hold back with what he inflicts on the girls and I know that Mistress can be every bit as sadistic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Control and Humiliation

There are two “feelings” that I enjoy a lot, well I say enjoy but what I really mean is love/crave/NEED otherwise I start to feel…I don’t know how to describe it….”wrong”. Those two feelings are the feeling of being controlled by another person and the feel of humiliation.

Control

Mistress controls me in a multitude of ways, there are rules that I must follow all the time and there are jobs that I must attend to so that she doesn’t have to. For instance there is a rule that I must always wear lingerie no matter where I’m going or what I’m doing because she wants me to be “dressed for sex” 24/7 and I do all of the housework and cooking because she decided that she wanted domestic service to be one of the roles I perform for her.

Those are examples of overt ways in which she controls my actions and my appearance but she also controls my behaviour. I don’t mean that she micromanages every interaction I have and friends and colleagues would hardly notice it but through her training my behaviour has definitely changed, especially when I am around her.

I think in general it can be characterised by being more aware of myself, more aware of how I am sitting, how my body is positioned, where I am sitting and also what comes out of my mouth versus what my brain is thinking. I’m not saying I didn’t pay attention to these things before but it feels sort of heightened now, she has altered the way my brain operates in very subtle ways.

I love all of this, I love that she has moulded me to be what she wants from what I wear to what I do and even to how I think. She has influenced every part of my being and I adore her for it, it is everything a Dominant should be. I know any people just want to be a dominant that disciplines a slave and concentrates on the S&M side of things and I used to be very much about that side but this relationship, this deepness of control is what I now realise I have craved all of my life. The fact that I am a masochist and she is a sadist are just icing on the cake!

However, all of the above is now just a part of my everyday life, there is one other aspect that is more noticeable to me and it gets my pussy pulsing every time. When I became her full-time submissive I gave up the usernames and passwords to all of my online systems, iCloud, iMessage, WhatsApp, Email, Tumblr, WordPress, Fetlife, CollarSpace…literally everything, her finger print is even registered on my phone. And if I sign up for something, no matter what it is, I add the details to a system that she controls. I can view and add to it but I can’t delete anything from it (not that I would).

The upshot of this is that if you have messaged me, emailed me, whatever, there is a possibility she has read it. I’m not saying she spends every night trawling through my messages but I do know she looks at them from time to time and reads anything that piques her interest. I have absolutely no privacy from her whatsoever.

The main “system” that she uses and that turns me on though is Find My Friends. I share my location with her but she doesn’t reciprocate and the way she uses it I absolutely love. Once it was set up she never mentioned it again, I’ve never seen her on it and she doesn’t ring me up and tell me she knows where I am or anything like that but I know she watches me.

It comes out in a very indirect way, for instance this lunch time I went to a coffee shop with two colleagues and about thirty seconds after I entered, whilst still queuing, I got a text from her telling me what to order. My insides were clenching up as I ordered exactly what she’d told me and when I got it I sent her a snapchat of it with just a little heart as a response, she texted “Good girl” and that was it.

It was just a small exchange but the implications are huge, she knew I’d left work for lunch, which I do at a random time whenever I am ready, and she knew where I’d gone for lunch. It’s weird, for a vanilla person it would be a huge invasion of privacy but for me all I got was a nice warm protected feeling and wet knickers.

Humiliation

This is not the same as embarrassment at all, I really dislike feeling embarrassed. I don’t like to be laughed at or feel like I am the brunt of some joke, I was bullied at school to some degree (nothing major) and embarrassment brings back those feelings of being excluded and ridiculed which is not something that turns me on.

Embarrassment is when someone sticks something on your back and everyone knows and laughs about it except you, I think it being non-consensual is a big part of it. Humiliation is different, for me at lease, humiliation is allowing something to happen that brings you feelings of shame.

I’ve been naked in front of strangers more times than I can count but I still get that feeling every single time. I still blush, feel the need to avert my gaze and always, always feel that warmth growing between my legs. Mistress knows exactly how to push my buttons and she has this thing that she likes to do in these situations where I am meeting someone for the very first time. She doesn’t do it every time, that would make it predictable, but often enough that I am always nervous that it is coming.

First she introduces me and it is quite normal, a shaken hand or a kiss on the cheek, that sort of thing. Then she will explain that I am her submissive, that I obey what she tells me to do. Bare in mind I don’t know the other person and have no idea if they are in the scene, just aware of the scene or are completely vanilla unless we are in a context that would give it away.

Miss knows a lot of people and we visit her friends and acquaintances quite often, I don’t know in advance if these are vanilla meetings or not, sometimes we have a cup of tea and discuss politics, sometimes I kneel naked and nose-to-nose with a complete stranger, it keeps things interesting.

Anyway, so after introductions she will tell me to undress in some way or another, remove my top of dress or jeans. She never does it for me, that would activate my submissiveness and I would be straight into that mode whereby I let her do whatever she wants with me and she is my entire world. No, she has me do it myself so that I feel the awkwardness of someone I don’t know watching me expose my body, first in my underwear and then inevitably my modified breasts and then my hairless pussy.

It doesn’t end there though, invariably I will be told to “present” a particular part of my body. These are positions which Mistress has taught me and drilled me on until I do them perfectly. For example, if I am told to present my mouth I kneel, up with my knees shoulder width apart, wrists crossed behind the small of my back, head tilted back and mouth open.

Other examples are “display your breasts” which involves pushing my chest out and cupping my breasts whilst turning my head to the side and the more humiliating “present your pussy” whereby I must stand with my legs spread quite wide, arms folded behind my back and sort of thrust my groin out at the person. That one is humiliating because it is just a bizarre position to put your body in, it is lewd, but also because my pussy is almost always glistening with wetness.

The final one is the one I find the most humiliating and therefore possibly the biggest turn on. “Present your ass” involves bending at the waist with legs spread, gripping my ass cheeks and pulling them apart to expose my asshole. I don’t know why but there is something deeply intimate about your asshole and pulling your cheeks apart to display it, feeling the air on it and knowing someone is looking at it is very humiliating for me and doing this in front of anyone, especially a stranger is a huge, horrible, turn on for me.

I say horrible because that’s what it is. I don’t know how this works for other people but for me there is a definite love/hate sort of situation going on with this side of my desires. I love it because I hate it. Inwardly I cringe every time I have to do something like this and parts of my brain scream at me not to degrade myself like this but it’s the fact that I am unable to “normalise” it that maintains the attraction I think.

In other news…

Mistress found a new “cane” that she intends to use on me. It is a long and very thin metal …erm, stick, I suppose. I don’t know where she got it but it looks wicked and is going to sting so much! Here it is resting on a butt plug, no reason other than it was what I had to hand:

Updates

Sorry that it has been a while since I’ve written properly, I actually have loads to write about but have really struggled to find time in the last few weeks. Thank you to Mistress for writing, what I found to be, an interesting post on one of the methods she uses to train me, I hope you enjoyed it too.

So for this post I wanted to give you a few updates and then hopefully later in the week I’ll have another post lined up finishing off something I was telling you about a few weeks back, the dinner party.

First off I have achieved another of my goals for 2018! Can you guess which one? If you guessed a septum piercing them you get ten points, This is something which I have wanted to get for a long time but have been reluctant to do so because I didn’t want it to impact my every day appearance because of work etc.

I didn’t want the piercing for aesthetic reasons, I do think they look good on certain people but I don’t think it is something that would particularly complement my public image. No I wanted one purely for the BDSM aspect of it, I think having a ring in your nose is extremely sexy for a submissive and I’m definitely turned on by the idea of being led around by it or restrained by it.

So this weekend Mistress and I visited a reputable piercing studio and a lovely girl named Kate pierced it for me. The pain really wasn’t much, a bit like if you get knocked in the nose and it made me want o sneeze, or feel like I did anyway. Kate put a horse shoe shaped piece of jewellery in and after showing me how it looked (it’s definitely not something I’d wear visible in normal life) she folded it up for me and it is completely invisible. I walked out looking exactly as I did before which was weird but good.

Since it was done it has felt a bit itchy at times but the main issue is that I’m not supposed to touch it but can’t help myself and Mistress has to keep telling me how unattractive it is to have my fingers in my nose! She is definitely right but I’m not really doing it consciously, in fact I was just doing it now while I was thinking of what to write next!

So that’s the first bit of news, the second is that we have found a buyer for Mistresses house and are edging toward completion on the purchase of our new home together. It takes forever to buy a house but hopefully it won’t be too much longer before we can move in and start renovating it including building our dream dungeon! Once this all goes through that will be another goal checked off the list.

A while back I put up a poll so I could see who was actually reading my blog, unsurprisingly the majority are dominant males but it was actually less of a “dominant lead” then I thought it would be. 42% of people who responded were Doms whilst the next biggest group male switches with 18% and then third was female submissives with 14%. There were 417 votes cast so I think it is a good representation of my readership. I’m sure that’s of no interest to most of you but I found it interesting!

If you have read my about me page and the post referenced there you will know about my troubles from the past. The female friend who I drunkenly slept with, shared intimate details of my sexuality and lifestyle with, who then betrayed me by exposing all of my secrets to all of our group of friends, some of whom where work colleagues.

This was the worst time of my life and a time when I seriously considered taking my own life. Most of my friends stopped talking to me, not “officially” but they stopped returning my calls and answering my messages with more than a few words. The girl who I’d slept with broke all contact with me and I felt like all of my colleagues at work knew all about me as well because some of my (former) friends worked there. I’ve no idea if they did know or not but that is sort of irrelevant when you think they do.

I retreated into myself, stopped going out or doing anything and spent a lot of time crying. I bought pills and knives to end things but never had the courage to go through with it. Then in one of my stronger moments I looked for and found a job outside of London and left my home to start a new life basically.

It was the best thing I could have done, I got a good job where I’ve progressed, I (eventually) found love and I am more open about my life then I have ever been. I didn’t tell my former friends I was leaving London and have never been in contact with any of them, until now.

Through some colleagues I know in London I managed to get hold of contact details for the girl who ruined my life. This was some time ago and it took me a long time to work out what to say when I contacted her but eventually I wrote her an email.

In it I said to her that I wanted to get back in touch as I have reached a point in my life where I want to confront what happened with her as I, and my partner, believe that it still has an effect on me. I honestly didn’t expect a reply but a few days later I got one, a long one!

I’m not going to post any of our communications but the gist of what she said in that first email is that she is deeply sorry for what she did. She said that she couldn’t justify it in any way but that she was young and stupid and scared. She was scared of what we did, confused about what it meant about her own sexuality and freaked out by the “other stuff” that I’d told her about.

She said that she only told a couple of the other girls about my being gay and into BDSM and that she didn’t know why she did it. In hindsight, she said, maybe it was to deflect any focus on herself if I revealed what we’d done together. Apparently one of the other girls told her boyfriend who immediately told the other guys in the group and then everyone knew.

She claims to not have been disgusted or “judgy” of those things although a lot of the others definitely were and she didn’t feel she could speak against them. She only avoided me because she was ashamed and couldn’t face me. She claimed she was devastated when I just disappeared.

When I first read her email I was angry, really angry, it came across as her trying to find justification for her actions but after talking through it with Miss I began to see it in a different light. I think she was a very confused, weak and shallow person when it all happened and that’s what she was trying to justify.

I replied and told her my story, how it felt to be ostracised just for being myself and sharing that with someone I thought I could trust. How it felt to be alone and pushed out by all of my friends and feeling unable to work through paranoia and depression. I really let it all out being very honest about what she did to me, it felt good but I still felt guilty sending it, Mistress pushed me to do so but left it my decision.

It took longer for the reply to come than it had the first time. She said that she had cried reading my message, that she felt truly ashamed of her younger self and wished she could take all that hurt back from me. Her message made me cry too.

We arranged to meet up but for various reasons that didn’t happen until recently and it was truly awkward. The last time I’d seen her we were falling asleep in each other arms so meeting up in a coffee shop after all these years was just very bizarre. She was already there when I arrived and got up when I approached her table, neither of us knew how to greet each other but ended up in a brief hug.

She had obviously rehearsed a speech because she basically vomited it at me as soon as we sat down, she was obviously very nervous but for some reason I wasn’t at all. She said that she wished she could take back what happened but that she can’t and that it had a huge effect on her life as well.

As it turns out she was married but is divorced, why is she divorced? Because she didn’t love her husband and then she thought she fell in love with a work colleague, a female work colleague. Nothing happened between them other than them becoming very close and she started to have feelings for this woman. She still seems to be a very confused person which I can understand, I struggled with my sexuality when I was younger and it can be difficult, especially if you aren’t a strong person.

The upshot of all of this is that I have forgiven her for what she did to me, I felt genuine remorse from her when we met and I felt like it is something that has weighed on her conscience for as long as it has weighed on me. I am happy now though whilst she is still struggling with a lot of things and it felt good to remove this weight from both of us. Also I’ve been way more successful than her career-wise!

In other news my Mistress has set my sister up with a submissive guy and I don’t even know where to start with that!

Oh and, so excited…

Basement

One of my 2018 goals was to buy a house with Mistress and we have been looking for some time to find the perfect house. It had to be the perfect one as this is the house we intend to spend the rest of our lives in, it isn’t just a stepping stone to something else.

One of the major requirements for this was that it have a large basement because both Mistress and I have always wanted a fully kitted out dungeon in our home. It is surprisingly hard to find urban housing in the UK with a large basement and we were only looking at a small area. We found a few and looked at them but the houses and their basements were too small for what we wanted so we kept looking.

Eventually we found what we wanted, it is a beautiful detached house with a huge basement with a tall ceiling. Apparently the house was built with a basement and then one of the previous owners dug it out even more which is why it has so much headroom which is important for what we intend to use it for.

Unfortunately the house is very expensive and also needs a lot of work doing to it, the basement especially is not currently suitable for anything other than storage. After much negotiation and raiding of savings though we have made an offer and it has been accepted. It is very exciting and also scary, it is way more money than I have ever borrowed or spent on anything ever!

Anyway, that is all just background to this post which is actually about our plans for the underground play room. We have all seen dungeons with the kinds of furniture seen in the picture above and we like all of that but we want our room to have unique pieces of furniture suited to our tastes.

So firstly, I wondered if there is anyone amongst my readership who is involved in building custom dungeon furniture or knows of anyone who is? It would need to be of a high quality and to whatever specifications and designs we come up with.

Secondly I wanted to invite the devious minds who read my blog to suggest some items that we could have built to go in there. We may use your design or combine it with other or our own ideas for things to be used on me when we get the dungeon up and running. You can either describe the idea in detail or draw it and put it in the comments on here or on tumblr. I’m looking for ideas for large and small items or basically anything we can have made that is versatile and reusable, we don’t want to pay for anything to be made that’ll we maybe use once or twice.

My ideas so far are…

A fixture on the wall which can take a wooden pole, a pointed wooden pony type attachment, a spiked pole or electrified one. The idea being I would be tied to the wall on my tip toes with some sort of torture device fixed between my (or someone else’s) legs. It’s better than just a normal wooden pony because you can change the torture and add new ones later on.

A St. Andrews cross but that is adjustable in various ways. One that is can be moved and laid flat so it is like a table that you can be restrained to and also the cross can be changed so that rather than an X shape it is more of a + shape. Basically it means spreading the subs legs much wider once they have been strapped into it. Also the X would be extendable from the point where the limbs are bound meaning it can work for various heights of sub plus the sub can be stretched once bound. The mechanisms would need to be fairly strong and not flimsy so that the cross would stay how the dominant wants it.

Some sort of automated whipping/paddling/caning machine.The idea being I could be strapped in to a chair or something, or strap myself in (but not be able to unstrap myself) and a device would administer corporate punishment to various parts of my body. Ideally this would be controlled remotely via an app or something but that might be too complicated.

Anyway, ideas on a post card to my comments area or any contact method you choose please!

Achievements

So it is 2pm on Thursday 10th May 2018 and I have been a very busy girl today and wanted to share everything I have achieved so far today!

I got up at 6am when my fitness band vibrated on my wrist, no snoozing, no second alarm just straight out of bed. I bought a fitness band not to track my steps and things but simply so that I could have a silent alarm that would make me but not Mistress as I have things to do before she wakes up.

I used the toilet and then got in the shower and cleaned myself thoroughly which includes ensuring that no body hair exists anywhere and that both of my holes are washed out with water .Occasionally Mistress will push a finger deep into me and if it comes out dirty then cleaning her finger with my mouth is the least of my worries! That hasn’t happened for a long time though.

After my shower but before dressing I went to the kitchen and prepared some food. Mistresses office location means she has few options for lunch so likes to take something with her, this morning I made a couscous and pomegranate salad whilst some croissant baked in the oven and then I took a croissant and coffee up to her.

Mistress enjoys watching me get ready for work whilst she eats her breakfast. At first it made me feel very self-conscious as she watched me dry my hair and apply my makeup and then get dressed, bending over and hiding nothing. Now though it is almost like a show, I make sure I bend over at just the right angles so that my fiancé can enjoy the best views of every part of my body.

Anyway, once I was dressed she called me over to the bed and opened her legs. There were no orders given, and despite the fact that I had just done my makeup etc, my lips were on hers almost immediately and I was savouring the taste of her as my tongue circled her clit.

She came with her hand on the back of my head so that she could grind her pussy into my face and casually lifted her leg over me and headed for the shower leaving me knelt on the bed.

I brushed my messed up hair again whilst her juices dried around my mouth because I’m not permitted to wipe it off, ever, then I applied my makeup again and changed my underwear which was already soaked through. That seems like a simple thing when you’re wearing a skirt but it really isn’t because I have to wear a matching lingerie set at all times so changing my knickers means also changing my bra and garter belt. I almost didn’t bother but I do like to start the day with at least mostly dry knickers!

When Miss came out of the shower I could see I was in trouble for something, she had that look on her face and it didn’t take me long to remember that I hadn’t picked my wet towel up off the floor in the bathroom. She sat on the edge of the bed and I walked over to her, knelt and then belt over her knee in as graceful a way as possible. She said “Do you know why?” and I responded “Yes Mistress, the towel, I’m sorry” and she replied with “Ten then”.

She lifted my skirt to reveal my ass cheeks (almost all of my underwear is thongs so that my ass cheeks are almost always bare) and I counted out each severe slap of her hand. Punishment spankings are very different from play spankings, there is no warm up, no gentle swats to get me ready or roaming fingers to explore how I’m reacting to the attention, it’s ten hard and fast and then a quick hug before she let me get up so she could get ready.

After doing my hair for the third time I left the house at 7:30 and sat uncomfortably in the car on my freshly reddened ass until I arrived at work.

At 12pm, having done just over four hours of work I left the office for my lunch hour, I rarely take the full hour but I needed to today. I got into a waiting taxi that I had already ordered as per the text I had received at 11am from Mistress, I reviewed some paperwork on the ten minute taxi ride. At my destination I asked the taxi to wait for me and then went down behind some buildings and knocked on the back door of a familiar one.

I was let in by the usual person and led in silence to a small messy office in the corner of the store-room where I pulled my skirt up around my waist and knelt on the floor. The guy has quite good stamina and despite my now well practised skills in fellatio it usually takes about eight minutes before I’m swallowing his cum, this time with his hand buried in my hair.

This “service” that Mistress has me provide has turned sucking cock and swallowing cum into a sort of non-thing for me. The act itself does turn me on but only really because of how humiliating it is to be used in that way by strangers, actually sucking the cock and swallowing is almost like muscle memory now, I can think about other things while I do it and my mouth just does what it is supposed to.

After sorting my hair again and reapplying lipstick I got back into the waiting taxi and had it drop me in town. I got a sandwich and a coke to join my “snack” and took it back to the office to eat with some of my colleagues.

I wonder what the rest of the day has in store for me!